Year: 2016

To how America has been brought to this current abyss, this report explains, began in the summer of 2013 when rogue forces loyal to Hillary Clinton within the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) made a “radical departure” from all past precedents in awarding a staggering $600 million contract to the shadowy American billionaire Jeff Bezos who founded the internet giant Amazon.com. With the Hillary Clinton’s and the CIA’s backing, this report continues, Jeff Bezos then, in October 2013, purchased America’s premier political newspaper The Washington Post in order to facilitate her gaining the US presidency in 2016. […]

After a withering attack for eating a burrito without their consent, Donald Trump ordered a giant 6 foot burrito and appointed it Secretary of Go Fuck Yourself CNN. “He’s appropriating a cultural heritage,” cried CNN’s Don Lemon as his panel nodded grimly. “It’s dangerous and likely to exacerbate racial tensions.” Never one to shy away from controversy, PEOTUS Donald Trump immediately got himself a taco bowl, and washed the meal down with a vintage 2016 bottle of Rachel Maddow’s election night tears. […]

Funk legend George Clinton announced plans to head a “Safe Space” college campus tour in 2017 to highlight the suffering of affluent kids traumatized by belief systems outside their world view. Here he is in rehearsal.

DEVELOPING […]

In a surprising development, crazed Green Party candidate Jill Stein called for a recount of her 10,984 pit hairs in hopes that it could somehow influence the electoral college and flip the election. Catatonic Clinton volunteers, still in grief and shock, had already counted the hairs twice in a painfully mistaken belief they could use them to replace the ballots in Michigan.

“The hairy Green bitch lied to us!” cried a rueful Rose Pudenda. “I have arthritis and I can’t afford this aggravation. It took me five minutes to flip her the bird.” […]

Avert your eyes, my friends, beware a brilliance blinding to the naked eye. Few have ever been so ridiculously wrong, so many times, and still managed to keep their jobs and dignity without at least a self-immolation or two. […]

The Illustrated History of Scientology, by Rick Vodica, perhaps the funniest and most dangerous work to ever haunt the Church of Scientology. […]

“The file included documentation of a 2003 preliminary report on 9/11 which identified the event as a nuclear demolition on behalf of a terrorist organization that had accessed nuclear material from US stockpiles though Israeli penetration of the Department of Energy. It further alleged that the Department of Homeland Security had been established to manage the coverup and silence whistleblowers.” […]

In the meantime, because fire trucks have unique anatomical features, it is only fair to have have public restaurants, schools, government buildings , etc., modify their bathrooms into fire stations to accommodate my special needs, such  as my ladder. […]

President Putin has ordered the immediate deployment to the Kaliningrad Oblast of the dreaded supersonic nuclear-capable Iskander mobile ballistic missile system and the feared S-400 air missile defence system as a “direct response” to President Obama joining with Ukraine as one of only 3 nations in the entire world to vote against the United Nations resolution condemning the glorification of Nazism. [Note: Some words and/or phrases appearing in quotes in this report are English language approximations of Russian words/phrases having no exact counterpart.] […]

In regards to the Hollywood and DC child sex rings, damage control makes the elite defend the indefensible: pedophilia. A two-year old article reflects the framing of the scandal as it first appeared. Incidentally, to the pervert who wrote this at the NYT, Margo Kaplan, pedophilia is indeed a crime and you might want to look into the law books to see just how serious it is. “Pedophilia is a Disorder, Not a Crime” just won’t fly in the courts or with anyone that’s ever been molested or raped as a child. […]

Because 59 witnesses would have to conspire to present the same consistent account, the most ridiculous and obvious conspiracy theory of all is coming from the Lone Gunman Conspiracy Theorists. […]

Former Miss Universe and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton took time off from beating the shit out of Robbie Mook and John Podesta to make a rare post-election appearance. Her disarming beauty was enough to make her fiercest enemies reconsider their enmity and in some cases, pen love letters to the failed presidential candidate. […]

Two very different styles, but two very common enemies. Perhaps this is why Bill Gates compared him to JFK. […]

The attack on news sites with alternative viewpoints constitutes an attack on free speech. We know for a fact Google’s Eric Schmidt was working with the Clinton campaign. We do know that the targeted “fake news” is largely conservative. A class-action lawsuit by aggrieved parties targeting the Google monopoly and attack on free speech may be appropriate here, and it will stick. […]