Genius

Local Man Can’t Wait to Share Wisdom Gleaned from Cable News Panel

Local man Haywood Tapper, 34, excitedly told reporters today that he just can’t wait to tell his friends and family about what he learned from listening to pundits overnight. “I am just so glad there’s much smarter people out there who can do my thinking for me, people to tell me what I should worry about because honestly, I shouldn’t have that right in a world this complex. I know, thanks to these beneficent fellows, that I need to be afraid of Russians and that Putin is a bad, bad man. From all the time they spend on it I think it’s more important than jobs, the economy, health care, even my life.” […]

Abraham Lincoln

Hacked Government Emails Details “Fake News” Plot Destroying US

“Television determines the agenda…the methods that I am talking about create a world view, something that’s called a “reality”…a reality is created for us….and if we see this reality the way it is brought to us by television, then we act in accordance with this reality. Chaos is the key word…all of it is done to create a stable association in our minds…it is an old mythologem — Chaos as a protoplasm from which the gods will then create the world…and it absolutely does not matter how much the real picture corresponds with the media picture. An overwhelming majority of television viewers have never been and will never travel there. And they make their judgment based on the television picture and not on what happens in reality”. […]

Independent Press

The Church of “Jesus Said to Hate Your Enemies and Pray Only for Democrats”

Though they were praying over fears of an assassination; praying for the well-being of the President and nation “borders on heresy.” Keeping it classy?

“It is a form of theological malpractice that borders on heresy. When you can p-r-a-y for a president and others while they are p-r-e-y, preying on the most vulnerable, you’re violating the sacred principles of religion. You know, there is a text in Amos Chapter 2 that says religious and moral hypocrisy looks like when a nation of political leaders will buy and sell upstanding people when they will do anything to make money, when they will sell the poor for a pair of shoes, when they will grind the penniless into the dirt and shove the luckless into the ditch and extort from the poor. That is an actual text.” So sayeth Dr. William Barber, who is clearly very l-o-s-t and u-n-r-e-a-d, particularly in the b-i-b-l-e. […]

Donald Trump

Russian Lawyer Who Met Trump Son Had “Torrid Affair” With New York Times Reporter

Immediately upon the denial of Natalia Veselnitskaya’s parole letter to extend her stay in America, however, this bulletin notes, FBI Director James Comey’s US Department of Justice suddenly, and without notice, allowed her to stay in the US; during which time she not only met with Donald Trump Jr., but attended numerous US government functions and, most infamously, appeared in the front row of a hearing chaired by US House Foreign Affairs Committee Chairman Ed Royce sitting right behind the Obama regimes former US Ambassador to Russia Michal McFaul. […]

Cloak and Dagger

Russian Lawyer At Heart Of Trump Probe Revealed To Be James Comey’s “FBI Snitch”

To the “true/real” facts regarding Natalia Veselnitskaya’s being allowed to enter the US, however, FSB analysts in this report detail, was that while she was negotiating the “snitch deal” between Petr Katsyv and FBI Director Comey, she too was recruited to be an FBI informant—and as evidenced by her receiving a lucrative contract from the McCain Institute arranged by one of its senior directors named David Kramer who was a former US State Department official—and that just 8 days after her meeting Trump campaign officials, David Kramer arranging for her to meet with the Obama regimes former Ambassador to Russia Michael McFaul. […]

Donald Trump

Fooled by Spoof Book: Confirmation Bias Hits The New York Times, Pelosi

SMH. Project Icarus Rex, the “top secret” DARPA/CERN time travel project commissioned by President Trump claims another gullible lawmaker, and The New York Times. As of yet, no retraction.

Confirmation bias is simply this: sometimes you get so hung up on finding data to support your belief that you grasp at anything, and that means anything, that could possibly support your conclusion. Sometimes, that means you fall for bullshit, just because you want to believe it so badly.  The corporate media has a confirmation bias against President Trump, and it is rabid. They have already decided that President Trump and 63 million Americans are beyond redemption and through their ignorance and impudence, need their vote nullified. They have openly, and tacitly, called for a revolution. This is not hyperbole. The corporate media is attempting a coup to overturn the results of a democratically elected president. […]

Cloak and Dagger

Islamic Terrorists Strike Heart Of America, Blow US Marine KC-130 Aircraft Out Of Sky

Of the greatest concern to the SVR regarding the blowing up of this US Marine KC-130 aircraft over the heart of America, this report concludes, is that Venezuela is now cooperating with ISIS against the Americans—and was gravely noticed earlier this year when Venezuela was discovered to be selling its passports in Iraq to anyone who wanted one—including Islamic terrorists fleeing the battlefields of both Syria and Iraq. […]

Cloak and Dagger

McCain: 60 Million Americans Colluded With Russians “because fuck you, that’s why”

In a stunning development, Sen. John McCain has asserted that 60 million American voters may have colluded with the Russians to deprive Hillary of the presidency she was rightfully entitled to “because fuck you, that’s why.”

Sen. John McCain, who is scheduling hearings on the matter, told reporters that “We have damaging evidence that these 60 million, mostly Republican voters directly colluded with Russia to elect Hillary. As proof, we have ballots, actual ballots showing that they voted for Trump, and not Hillary, and that’s treason, if not collusion, according to the Washington Post, CNN, The New York Times editorials. These nefarious conspirators shared unflattering memes and information regarding Hillary Clinton. Because this is what Putin wanted, we clearly have a smoking gun. The egg beater does not lie, Doctor Watson, this is an existential threat to American fish bladders that requires boots on the ground beef to send a clear message to Putin. Do not bippity boppity the oven mitt for two birds in the bush, this is an outrage.” […]

Entertainment

Thousands of Male Models Mass Suicide Over Rumors of Joy Reid Marriage, Assange on Suicide Watch

According to Reid, Julian Assange on suicide watch “after I got him to spurn celebrity babes like Pamela Anderson for false hopes of my sweet booty.” How did she do it? She texted him that she was married, which Assange did not know, and “he was ruined instantly.”

Unfortunately, word spread fast, and there were unintended and catastrophic consequences. Over 20,000 male models, and a few hundred very attractive women, perished today in a mass suicide over this false rumor that drop-dead gorgeous, beauteous vixen MSNBC anchor Joy Reid was married. But she went further. She really felt it was time to “twist the knife and break Julian” and call him “gross.” […]

CIA

FLASHBACK: Enormity Of Hillary Clinton Penetration Into Russia Warned Could Topple US Government

A gravely toned Security Council (SC) report circulating in the Kremlin today states that President Putin was “astonished/amazed” after President Donald Trump methodically presented irrefutable evidence detailing  how Hillary Clinton had penetrated the highest reaches of the Russian government, with his further stating that should all of this knowledge be told to the American people, it would, most certainly, topple the entire two-party government structure of the United States.  […]

Cloak and Dagger

Trump Offers Photographic Proof of Election Meddling, Putin Silent

A stern President Trump met with President Vladimir at the G20 with irrefutable proof of Russian election meddling. “You put Debbie Wasserman-Schultz up to rigging the primary. Can you deny this is you celebrating with Debbie, Podesta, and Mook after you heard Rich died? Didn’t you rig the primaries against Bernie so you could continue with more uranium deals after you managed to get 20% of ours with Hillary? You secretly wanted her to win. It was the perfect set up. You continued to pay her through the Clinton Foundation and more deals would be made to undermine our nuclear deterrent. Podesta would be Secretary of State and he already had business worth 35 million in Russia. You’re busted, Mr. Putin.”

President Putin was speechless, and hung down his head in shame. “It was Podesta the Molesta’s idea.”

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