Local Man Can’t Wait to Share Wisdom Gleaned from Cable News Panel

July 16, 2017 JAG Genius, Gratuitous Impiety, Independent Press, JAG

Local man Haywood Tapper, 34, excitedly told reporters today that he just can’t wait to tell his friends and family about what he learned from listening to pundits overnight. “I am just so glad there’s much smarter people out there who can do my thinking for me, people to tell me what I should worry about because honestly, I shouldn’t have that right in a world this complex. I know, thanks to these beneficent fellows, that I need to be afraid of Russians and that Putin is a bad, bad man. From all the time they spend on it I think it’s more important than jobs, the economy, health care, even my life.”

I am just so glad there’s much smarter people out there who can do my thinking for me, people to tell me what I should worry about because honestly, I shouldn’t have that right in a world this complex.

Asked to explain, Tapper added “Now that they have included me in their circle of enlightened viewers who could be trusted with such deep wisdom, my life and family all seem so paltry now. It breaks my heart to see Chris Wallace, Rachel Maddow and Brian Stelter so sad about this. I will savor this knowledge I learned about Russia and the world and try to share it with my friends. Perhaps it will help me if I mention that Donald Trump, Jr. preferred his father to Hillary Clinton when I go to my next job interview. They might think I’m intelligent because then they’ll know I watch television and know the legal definition of treason now. I didn’t know that included spreading unflattering information about Hillary, especially if true, but thanks to cable news I don’t have to bother looking it up on Google.”

At press time, the stupid bastard walked into traffic and was hit by a bus when checking his smartphone for a CNN newsflash regarding Trump’s handshake with French President Macron, as it was “breaking news” he felt important enough to mass text to everyone when crossing the street.

Related Articles

Cloak and Dagger

Chris Hayes Rocks Cable News, Media Still Circle Jerks to War Mongers

August 30, 2017 JAG Cloak and Dagger, Fake News, Independent Press, JAG

Don’t know why this is news, but it’s supposed to be important because cable news public relations firms say so, albeit they plant stories in high traffic sites passing off as news but they are really just ads and discredit the legitimacy of the purveyor. Whatever the case may be, good for you, Mr. Hayes! You must be very proud of yourself! You look thinner, too, and manlier! […]

Gratuitous Impiety

The Wisdom of the Dead

March 6, 2013 Gratuitous Impiety, Independent Press

Have you ever found solace in morbidity? Have you ever found comfort in that which others find objectionable? I remember a time in my life; a time in which the driving force of my young existence was confrontation and antagonism. In those turbulent times, I always returned to a place that left me feeling at one with my own inner demons. It was a place that allowed me to escape the pressures of other’s expectations, and a perch from which to reflect in wonder at the position of humanity in general. […]

Coming Soon

Coming Soon: Why the Cable News Bosses Can Be Tried For War Crimes

December 15, 2018 JAG Coming Soon, Independent Press

It happened in Nuremberg after World War II. It happened in Rwanda, where media executives were tried and convicted of genocide.

Instead of one Josef Goebbels, who was to be tried for for Crimes Against Peace, we have several working in concert that were trying to start World War 3 with Russia. Goebbels committed suicide rather than face what was coming. His underling, Hans Fritzche, was tried. What will happen to our little gang of war mongering Goebbelings at CNN, NBC, MSNBC, CBS, ABC, New York Times, Washington Post, et al? Stay tuned. […]

Be the first to comment

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.