“People hate me!” […]
“This is certainly not the way we were brought up, saying this to you, but we don’t think we are evil in saying it. We strongly suggest, say, eating a nice, caramelized bucket of broken glass, washed down with a refreshing, chilled glass of Prestone anti-freeze. We recommend cliff diving in Acapulco, with a practice run from a hotel roof. Shaving with a chainsaw was also suggested by our focus group, provided it was done in the dark, on a trampoline. An ear piercing with a jackhammer was another favored suggestion, and my personal one, as well.” […]
“It was this moron,” said Director of National Intelligence Haywood Jablowme as he pointed to a slide of Hillary Clinton at a press conference earlier today. “That is the key state entity most responsible for influencing the election to favor President Trump. Putin didn’t tell her to run while under an FBI criminal investigation, or to call half of America irredeemables, deplorables, racists, sexists… The media narrative is that if only people didn’t know she was so corrupt and inept, she would have won. It’s as asinine as saying that if only people didn’t know the water was poisoned, we would have taken a drink and died, acting as if this was the logical desired outcome. So the impartial watchdogs who warned us of a clear and present danger are to be condemned? Fuck you.” […]
Political herpes Hillary Clinton, a crippling national embarrassment that just won’t go away, flared up again today as she finally came to terms with her intellectual deficits and leadership disasters by acknowledging they did exist and were a problem, but that Russian leader Vladimir Putin was responsible for her affliction.
She chimed in again today to attack Russia with unsubstantiated hacker claims, adding that if she sounds a trifle less astute in the geopolitical arena than John Kerry, Russian FM Sergei Lagrov, or most mammals in general, it is because Putin used a time machine to travel back to 1869 and drop her repeatedly at birth.
“This nefarious Russian conspiracy was designed to undermine my presidential campaign, and Putin has been caught red-handed as we know for a fact he owns a DeLorean like the one in Back to the Future.” […]
How ironic that one of the most coveted prizes in literature and journalism comes from the guy that started fake news, indeed, news so fake and dangerous it got us into war with Spain and World War I, Joseph Pulitzer. Back then, however, they called it yellow journalism. It used to be journalism majors were taught this was something you were never supposed to do. […]