BREAKING: Hillary Runs for President of Own Fan Club, Manages to Lose by Landslide

Hillary Clinton's press tampon Jeff "Crazy Eyes" Bezos, a billionaire Clinton Foundation donor, was in the middle of spinning the latest fiasco in the Clinton campaign when, thirsty, he drank from a nearby glass of water on a podium. It proved to be a most unfortunate mistake.

Bezos, the owner of The Washington Post, has been put in charge of starting a war with Russia to keep the elites rich in case the dollar implodes at the end of the year. […]

Important to note about Special Prosecutor Robert Muller, this report details, is his long “hatred/disgust” with Hillary Clinton following her issuing to him (when she was the Obama regimes Secretary of State), on 16 August 2009, when he was FBI Director, a secret “action request” ordering him to hand over to the SVR a sample of highly enriched uranium (HEU) in a “secret plane-side tarmac meeting” in Moscow that violated all normal US and Russian protocols and procedures for the transfer of such deadly atomic materials. […]

In her new memoir What Happened, Hillary Clinton writes that “I was tempted to make voodoo dolls of certain members of the press and Congress and stick them full of pins.” However, while making the rounds and finding herself more unpopular among Democrats and progressives in her Blame Everyone Tour, she has decided to use the proceeds from the Clinton Foundation to redeem herself, and plans to reboot the Haitian economy. She has ordered 63 million voodoo dolls custom made for each individual Trump voter. […]