Mac Summer, 39, admitted to co-workers today that his greatest dream was to someday be so famous that porn stars will only remember him as the most memorable fuck they ever had. “I don’t care if they say I’m hung like a gnat and cum in two seconds, the very fact they have to boost their ego by saying they boned me would be the ultimate compliment.” […]
Local man Haywood Tapper, 34, excitedly told reporters today that he just can’t wait to tell his friends and family about what he learned from listening to pundits overnight. “I am just so glad there’s much smarter people out there who can do my thinking for me, people to tell me what I should worry about because honestly, I shouldn’t have that right in a world this complex. I know, thanks to these beneficent fellows, that I need to be afraid of Russians and that Putin is a bad, bad man. From all the time they spend on it I think it’s more important than jobs, the economy, health care, even my life.” […]
Dick Smegma, 26, took a courageous stand today by siding with the majority opinion in a deep blue state where everybody hates Trump.
“I’m no hero,” Smegma said humbly to a crowd of cheering Hillary supporters as they burned Trump in effigy. “But sometimes you have to be brave enough to dispense with the courage of your convictions, and side with whatever is popular with the crowd.”
At press time, Mr. Smega was last seen in a Trump rally talking all manner of shit about Clinton. […]
Soon after the building of a local venue a day prior, HRC was able to pack it for the first time. The record was broken when two people managed to fit inside the phone booth as a young Trump supporter, looking for a quarter to put in a parking meter nearby, looked in the phone tray and then left when he found nothing. Or rather, he tried to.
As Hillary blocked his exit to continue her speech to an unenthused audience, the young man politely humored her before a coughing fit finally cut her speech short. […]
Michelle Smegma, 46, of Encino, CA announced this morning that she will vote for Hillary Clinton because Cyndi Lauper "said Donald Trump is Hitler." Though Adolf Hitler has been dead since 1945 and there is no evidence that Trump has dedicated his life to hunting down Jews, building death camps and waging genocidal wars of conquest, Smegma is still convinced they are one and the same person. Her husband, Sam Smegma, 50, notes "Michelle thinks Lauper was being literal, so she believes that hysterical pop star metaphors displaying an unflattering lack of perspective and literacy warrant an overruling of her own reservations about Clinton. She is, after all, an idiot, bless her simple heart." […]