Hillary Breaks Local Venue Attendance Record

Hillary does a mic check as she awaits for the crowd to arrive,

Soon after the building of a local venue a day prior, HRC was able to pack it for the first time. The record was broken when two people managed to fit inside the phone booth as a young Trump supporter, looking for a quarter to put in a parking meter nearby, looked in the phone tray and then left when he found nothing. Or rather, he tried to.

As Hillary blocked his exit to continue her speech to an unenthused audience, the young man politely humored her before a coughing fit finally cut her speech short.

“I’m the only one there and there is no eye contact,”  noted Sid Peabody, 32. “She was looking far past me, to an audience that wasn’t there. Her gaze was empty, and the only time I felt she might be looking at me was when that one eye stopped moving and stared at me. She really had no policy to speak of, just a long harangue about how bad Trump is. I did ask how she proposed to start a war with Russia when she probably wouldn’t live long enough to finish it, given her poor health, but she just smiled and waved to someone behind me that wasn’t there.”

At press time, sources close to the Clinton campaign said it was just dead people, as Bill Clinton explains:

Get the popcorn! Trump sayeth: “She’s supposed to fight all of these different things, and she can’t even make it 15 feet to her car!”


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Methinks I am a conspiracy theorist. Art thou? Thou block, thou stone, thou worse than senseless thing, for whilst thou slept didst this become a badge of honor. Informed dissent shall always prevail, wherefore art thou worthy, or art thou this unwholesome fool in the group conformity experiment herein?

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