Butt-Hurt Crying Hillary Voters Compilation

Dr. Pepe Le Frogg announced today that Hillary’s alter personality has been identified as a Russian spy named Agent Govniuk, a self-destructive splinter of her personality that loves to sabotage her life. Govniuk is Russian for a very naughty word, incidentally. This incredibly self-destructive alter, when in control, made sure she ran while under a criminal FBI investigation. It made sure she rigged the primary and sabotaged Bernie Sanders’ campaign and lost his supporters when they found out. It was responsible for her calling half of Americans racist, deplorables, irredeemables, xenophobes, and sexists. Because “Agent Govniuk” blames everyone else for her mistakes, she cannot self-correct, so she continuously fails no matter how much she is assisted by political operatives and donors. […]

An embittered Hillary Clinton emerged today to blast the malicious and dangerous "fake news" that got her hopes up by proclaiming her certain win. "All of you who got my hopes up need to take the blame… Why did you play me like that? Why did you so cruelly make my win appear so certain, only to have it taken from my grasp? You in the media with your fake news of sunny days ahead destroyed me emotionally and politically. These burns on my lips, that's on you fuckers, you got me sucking on a tail pipe this morning to improve my outlook." […]

Let’s face it, she’s everywhere, but for only $2,500 you can spend several days in an isolation chamber away from Hillary Clinton during her book tour. An ingenious entrepreneur has created Cankles Away, a new service that guarantees you will avoid any news of, or audience with Hillary Clinton during her “What Happened” Blame Everybody book tour. Part of the fee pays for hotel accommodations, and the removal and jamming of all electronic devices to keep clients blissfully unaware of the cult media following the failed presidential candidate. […]