Local man Haywood Tapper, 34, excitedly told reporters today that he just can’t wait to tell his friends and family about what he learned from listening to pundits overnight. “I am just so glad there’s much smarter people out there who can do my thinking for me, people to tell me what I should worry about because honestly, I shouldn’t have that right in a world this complex. I know, thanks to these beneficent fellows, that I need to be afraid of Russians and that Putin is a bad, bad man. From all the time they spend on it I think it’s more important than jobs, the economy, health care, even my life.”

I am just so glad there’s much smarter people out there who can do my thinking for me, people to tell me what I should worry about because honestly, I shouldn’t have that right in a world this complex.

Asked to explain, Tapper added “Now that they have included me in their circle of enlightened viewers who could be trusted with such deep wisdom, my life and family all seem so paltry now. It breaks my heart to see Chris Wallace, Rachel Maddow and Brian Stelter so sad about this. I will savor this knowledge I learned about Russia and the world and try to share it with my friends. Perhaps it will help me if I mention that Donald Trump, Jr. preferred his father to Hillary Clinton when I go to my next job interview. They might think I’m intelligent because then they’ll know I watch television and know the legal definition of treason now. I didn’t know that included spreading unflattering information about Hillary, especially if true, but thanks to cable news I don’t have to bother looking it up on Google.”

At press time, the stupid bastard walked into traffic and was hit by a bus when checking his smartphone for a CNN newsflash regarding Trump’s handshake with French President Macron, as it was “breaking news” he felt important enough to mass text to everyone when crossing the street.

Related Post

CC BY 4.0 This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International License.