Local man Haywood Tapper, 34, excitedly told reporters today that he just can't wait to tell his friends and family about what he learned from listening to pundits overnight. "I am just so glad there's much smarter people out there who can do my thinking for me, people to tell me what I should worry about because honestly, I shouldn't have that right in a world this complex. I know, thanks to these beneficent fellows, that I need to be afraid of Russians and that Putin is a bad, bad man. From all the time they spend on it I think it's more important than jobs, the economy, health care, even my life."
I am just so glad there’s much smarter people out there who can do my thinking for me, people to tell me what I should worry about because honestly, I shouldn’t have that right in a world this complex.
At press time, the stupid bastard walked into traffic and was hit by a bus when checking his smartphone for a CNN newsflash regarding Trump's handshake with French President Macron, as it was "breaking news" he felt important enough to mass text to everyone when crossing the street.