Jill Stein Demands Pit Hair Recount

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In a surprising development, a crazed Green Party candidate Jill Stein called for a recount of her 10,984 pit hairs in hopes that it could somehow influence the electoral college and flip the election. Catatonic Clinton volunteers, still in grief and shock, had already counted the hairs twice in a painfully mistaken belief they could use them to replace the ballots in Michigan.

“The hairy Green bitch lied to us!” cried a rueful Rose Pudenda. “I have arthritis and I can’t afford this aggravation. It took me five minutes to flip her the bird.”

At press time, 538’s Nate Silver predicted a 75% chance of success.

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Methinks I am a conspiracy theorist. Art thou? Thou block, thou stone, thou worse than senseless thing, for whilst thou slept didst this become a badge of honor. Informed dissent shall always prevail, wherefore art thou worthy, or art thou this unwholesome fool in the group conformity experiment herein?

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