Hoe Ho Ho
Here, Athenian critics weep as Yangil Kim announces Santa Clause is dead.
Ho Ho Ho
EXT. DARK STREET CORNER- NIGHT
A chill winter wind blows through a dark corner dimly
illuminated by the full moon and a single streetlight. Refuse
chokes the only sewer grate present and a stripped car,
heavily laden with graffiti, resides there. An occasional dog
barks in the distance and the lone figure of a young woman,
TINA, standing beneath the streetlight, shifts her weight
from side to side, revealing clothing not fit for an outdoor
stroll. A long green over coat, unfastened and too big for
the girl, poorly conceals the red stockings clasped to her
equally red panties, matching the red of her bra and open
toed shoes. Her curly brown hair wildly frames her overly
made up face, which although young, about mid-twenties, seems
to hold more weathered stress than her cosmetics can conceal.
She looks up suddenly as footsteps approach from her right,
and she forces a smile at the oncoming individual.
TINA
Hey there stranger, I haven't seen
you around here before.
STRANGER
You have my dear, you just don't
remember; but that's beside the
point, I've seen you.
The stranger steps into the illumination of the streetlight,
revealing an over weight man of about fifty with pure white
hair flowing into a rather large white mustache and beard. He
is wearing small round glasses perched on his round and
blushed cheeks. A bright red and green bowling shirt with
the name "Kris" stitched in gold thread over the left breast
tops a pair of baggy red sweatpants and black shoes.
TINA
So what brings you all the way out
here handsome, looking for a party?
STRANGER
I suppose that I am.
(shrugs and laughs
mirthfully)
TINA stares at him briefly, surprised by his laughter
TINA
What's so fu� never mind.
She pulls back the sides of her coat to expose her half naked
body, putting one foot in front of the other and tilting her
head a bit, then produces a cigarette and lighter from
somewhere in the coat and lights it.
TINA (CONT'D)
What kinda party?
KRIS
Oh, just a small gathering: Myself
and a close friend, maybe a new
friend as well.
(He slowly examines her
from bottom to top) )
If a new friend presents itself.
Fidgeting with the lighter in one hand, she again starts
shifting her weight from side to side, turning her head to
the left and right and looking as if she might run with the
slightest provocation.
TINA
You and a close friend huh? If he
is at all as good-looking as you, I
find it hard to believe that he
isn't married.
KRIS
He isn't married; he doesn't get
out too much. Neither do I, I'm
afraid.
(chuckles again and grasps
his belly as he does so,
smiling beatifically)
TINA
You aren't married? As in shape as
you are?
KRIS laughs uproariously at this as the girl cringes and
looks around in a panic
TINA
Shhh, you'll wake the neighborhood.
KRIS
(wiping his eyes with a
finger, he lowers his
laughing to a chuckle)
I've eaten far too many cookies in
my lifetime to be considered "in
shape" Tina, and as for the missus;
when the cats away and all that.
TINA
(snaps to attention)
How did you know my name?
KRIS
I knew you as a child Tina, you
don't remember?
TINA
No I don't, and don't fuck with me
man, I will stab you.
KRIS
I wouldn't dream of making that
necessary Tina, besides, you were
always too good a girl for me to
believe you'd do that.
TINA
(taking a step backwards)
Alright big guy, where do you know
me from.
KRIS
I told you Tina, I've known you
since you could fit in a stocking,
although I must admit, I haven't
seen or heard of you since you were
about ten. Now look at you, age has
been kind
(again looks her up and
down)
Very kind.
TINA
Look, I think you need to get out
of here, this is some fucked up
shit.
KRIS
Now, Now Tina, the language isn't
quite necessary is it? You'll end
up with coal in your stocking.
TINA
What the hell are you talking
about?
(looks to his nametag)
"Kris?" who are you?
KRIS
I'm just a tired old man that needs
a break from the holiday hubbub my
dear, and I was hoping you'd come
and chat with me awhile.
TINA
You don't want to chat. Look buddy,
go home, sleep whatever high you're
on off, and reconsider the urge to
approach strangers like you know
them.
(Turns to leave)
KRIS
Hey now! Don't be like that, I
mean, this is what you "Do" isn't
it?
TINA
Don't you already know what I do,
Miss Cleo?
KRIS
Actually no, I must admit I was
pleasantly surprised to see you
here. You were always such a
beautiful child, but like I said,
after you turned ten, I stopped
seeing you around.
TINA
(angry now)
Now that is enough! Walk away
Mister, and don't come back around
here. Last warning, I don't want to
see you again.
KRIS
(seeming a bit hurt)
There's no call to be that way
Tina, I had just hoped that we
could go back to where my friend
and I are staying and catch up on
how you've been doing.
TINA
What the hell do you want from me?!
KRIS
Perhaps an estimate of what an
evening of your time would cost?
TINA
You're kidding me.
KRIS
I don't kid Tina, my friend and I
could use a bit of company,
although he has rather special
needs.
TINA
(incredulous)
I suppose your friend knows me too.
KRIS
(chuckling)
I'm sure he does, in his own
fashion.
TINA
Special needs?
KRIS
Well his antlers have to be
considered, as well as Rudolph's
lack of hands�
TINA
That was your last mistake pervert.
(Stomps her foot three
times in succession)
KRIS
(mildly shaken)
What was that?
TINA
It's called a signal, asshole.
OFFICER (0.S.)
(in an authoritative tone)
Freeze! Put your hands where I can
see them!
KRIS
Wha?
(he whirls quickly and is
tackled by two uniformed
police officers)
You can't do this! Do you know who
I am?!
KRIS is lifted to his feet and held by one of the officers,
now handcuffed and a bit out of breath from struggling.
OFFICER
Settle down pal, you can tell us
all about it at the precinct.
KRIS
Robert let go of me.
(weakly attempts to pull
away from the Officer
holding him)
Steven, this will put you on the
naughty list for sure.
STEVEN notices Robert's confused expression and gestures to
his own name tag. ROBERT smacks himself in the head and grins
a bit)
STEVEN
Take him to the car Bob.
ROBERT
Yes sir.
KRIS
God damn it Tina you Ho.
TINA
What you say can and will be used
against you, Freak.
(faces Steven)
KRIS
Don't turn your back on me Ho! What
are you, a Grinch!?
TINA
(somewhat under her
breath)
I� no.
(shudders a bit)
KRIS
(screaming from offscreen)
HOOOOOO!
STEVEN
Full moons really bring 'em out
huh?
(Looks to Tina, smiling)
You do good work Tina, what were
you just saying?
TINA
Nothing.. how did he know our
names?
STEVEN
He read our nametags Tina.
(concern creeps into his
voice)
Are you alright? You should go home
and rest.
TINA
(looking to where Kris had
exited)
I do have gifts to wrap.
STEVEN
Take off then Tina; you go on
vacation tomorrow anyway.
(reaches into his pockets
and withdraws a badge and
a necklace)
Here you go.
TINA
Thank you for holding these, I'm
going to go home and get some rest.
STEVEN
I hope you have a merry christm�
oh; I'm sorry, Happy Hanukah.
TINA
It's alright Steve; I used to
celebrate Christmas as a kid, until
my family converted.
STEVEN
Well, Have fun Tina; I have to go
catch up with Bob and nut bag.
(turns and begins walking
away)
TINA
Goodnight Bob, and thanks. I hope
your Holiday goes as planned too.
Sighing heavily she pockets the badge and dons the necklace,
now revealed to be a Star of David.
TINA (CONT'D)
Full moons sure bring out the
crazies.
TINA shudders and walks away. The noise of a car pulling away
lasts for a second or two, then all is silent.