After weeks of speculation about her health and over 250 days without a press conference, Hillary finally faced the music and decided to address her supporters on the issue.

“The time has come for me to drop out for health reasons. The truth is I am just too damned healthy to run. It isn’t fair to Donald Trump. Trump is weak. He is tired, and I fear I may wear him out completely. Look at me. I can do back flips across the debate stage, 500 one hand push-ups with a piano on my back. I jog 5,000 miles day. Even my pit hair has muscles. He just sits there.

I just hope my four paid supporters understand and vote for Woodrow Wilson. Trump has no economic policy and he wants to eat my bicycles. I am going to climb Mount Everest, now, and start a new career in gymnastics.” 


“Will Biden be Plan B?”

“Yes. I want to fuck over Bernie supporters one last time. Of course Sanders won…but fuck him.”

When asked to comment, Trump said “I don’t care what she said, you can’t trust her, and she’s not too sharp. Crooked Hillary is so stupid she sits on the television and watches the couch. Crooked Hillary is so stupid she went to the dentist to get a Bluetooth. Crooked Hillary is so stupid she screamed into an envelope because she wanted to send a voice mail. Hillary Clinton is so stupid she jumped out a window and fell UP.”

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