explode

An intriguing new Ministry of Foreign Affairs (MoFA) report circulating the Kremlin today states that the personal letter written by President Putin delivered to North Korean leader Kim Jung-un during the past few hours contained an unconditional security guarantee for safe and protected travel to Vladivostok for North Korean officials scheduled to meet during the next fortnight with President Donald Trump for nuclear disarmament talks—with the American’s, likewise, being advised of this summit location change in a personal letter written to Trump by Kim set to be delivered today—that in “normal” times wouldn’t generate controversy as Vladivostok is the location where one of the most historic nuclear disarmament agreements between the United States and the former Soviet Union was signed, in 1974, by President Gerald Ford and Soviet General Secretary Leonid Brezhnev—but in today’s anti-Russian hysteria climate gripping the US would, most certainly, explode the American political landscape—and that stands in sharp contrast to European Commission head Jean-Claude Juncker just warning a few hours ago that “this Russia-bashing has to be brought to an end”.  […]

CNN Chief Jeff Zucker was never easy on the eyes, but now a rash of penis suicides has hit the nation as male genitals are bullied online with taunts of “Jeff Zucker head”, “Butt Fucker Zucker,” “Zuck face”, “CNN is Fake News!”, “CNN is ISIS!” and “Mother Zucker” that in best case scenarios, only resolves with years of therapy; but in worst cases, ends in suicide and tragedy. The report, “Penile Suicide and Jeff Zucker’s Ugly Bitch Ass Face: A Twin Tragedy” was conducted by the University of Jeff Zucker Can Go Fuck Himself, and just published today. […]