IN BRIEF: Chelsea Handler Introduces Tube Sock Line Modeled After Her Breasts

A very sobering new Ministry of Defense (MoD) report circulating in the Kremlin today states that by 0400 Moscow Time on 9 April, US and NATO warplanes operating in the Levant War Zone retreated to their various Middle Easternstaging bases and sea platforms (aircraft carriers) without their having violated the new rules of engagement (ROE-”Red Line’) imposed by Russia on these hostile Western military forces—and whose swift withdrawal came in the aftermath of a failed, and unprovoked, Israeli airstrike on a Syrian air base whose air defenses obliterated 5 of the 8 missiles fired at it.   […]

A stunning new report issued today in the Kremlin by the Foreign Intelligence Service (SVR) says that a joint terror operation with Britain’s Secret Intelligence Service (SIS/MI6-Military Intelligence, Section 6) has resulted in the capturing of an Islamic State (ISIS/ISIL/Daesh) terror leader employed by a private mercenary firm hired by former US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton—and that information obtained from “Hillary’s spy” has resulted in INTERPOL, this morning, issuing a top secret Red Notice as a major “terror event” is now feared imminent. […]

In retaliation against these Western elites seeking to instill in their citizen’s minds a belief that Russians aren’t human beings worthy of life, this report says, on Monday (17 April) President Putin (in his showing the West how “primitive” his people really are) ordered a Tu-95 Bear Strategic Bomber equipped with the Khibiny Electronic Warfare System “super weapon” to fly to the edge of NORAD’s Air Defence Identification Zone in Alaska—and when approached by American fighter aircraft, deploy its “electronic payload” to “devastating and paralyzing effect”—and that it did so much so, in fact, when this bomber returned the following day (18 April), no US fighter aircraft were even able to take off from their Alaskan airfields. […]