Ignorant, Senile Bastard Decries “Hostile” Media Portrayal

After a withering attack for eating a burrito without their consent, Donald Trump ordered a giant 6 foot burrito and appointed it Secretary of Go Fuck Yourself CNN. “He’s appropriating a cultural heritage,” cried CNN’s Don Lemon as his panel nodded grimly. “It’s dangerous and likely to exacerbate racial tensions.” Never one to shy away from controversy, PEOTUS Donald Trump immediately got himself a taco bowl, and washed the meal down with a vintage 2016 bottle of Rachel Maddow’s election night tears. […]

Under the provisions outlined in this “Seditious Conspiracy” law, this report says it’s important to note, the legal definition of the word “conspiracy” mandates it must be an agreement between two or more people to commit an illegal act, along with an intent to achieve the agreement’s goal—and was a legal standard met just hours ago when the Democrat Party shockingly announced it had barred Fox Newsfrom hosting any of its 2020 presidential candidate debates—a vile act President Trump rapidly responded to by Tweeting: “Democrats just blocked @FoxNews from holding a debate. Good, then I think I’ll do the same thing with the Fake News Networks and the Radical Left Democrats in the General Election debates!”. […]

An actually terrifying new Ministry of Healthcare (MoH) report circulating in the Kremlin today is expressing alarm over the American mainstream propaganda consuming itself with a hysteria-driven political charade involving US Supreme Court nominee Judge Brett Kavanaugh at the exact same time President Donald Trump has just invoked his National Emergency Declaration powers to confront an as yet unnamed biological threat now threatening the United States—with Trump’s emergency declaration coming swiftly on the heels of US multi-billionaire tech giant Bill Gates warning that the world is not prepared for “Disease X”—but whose warning does not apply to Gate’s fellow tech titans who have prepared themselves for this apocalypse by building massive doomsday bunkers throughout the isolated Pacific Ocean island nation of New Zealand.   […]