Dear Scarlett Johansson,
It pains me to say that I have no recourse, now, other than to say goodbye.
Your passive-aggressive restraining orders and Dobermans make me feel as if, perhaps, our passion has faded.
Numerous beatings by your bodyguards also make me question the sincerity of your affections, particularly when they threw the love letters, flowers, and my severed right ear which I mailed to you, in loving confidence, back into my face.
It is just so hard to read you now. I have to let you go.
I’m breaking up with you.
Someday, perhaps, you will find a way to get over me. It may take many years of therapy, but we both know this is the best decision for the both of us.