An Interview with Trey, or Robert Hamburger

Robert Hamburger or Trey Hamburger?

With the release of Ghosts/Aliens, the long awaited second work from the creator of Real Ultimate Power, many fans wondered if he could do the seemingly impossible: produce an even funnier book.These fans should be comforted in the fact it is just as funny or funnier than the first book. We caught up with Trey and Mike at a crowded book signing in Hollywood and afterwards, we took a stroll to a nearby Starbucks where they were kind enough to agree to an interview.

ID:  In your search for Derek Wood, you managed to open a portal to another dimension using microwave frequencies and occult Latin incantations uttered by Todd “Semen” Niemen. Was this method based on the quantum theory that many other universes and timelines exist in our own living room, unseen only because they exist in a different vibration? And if so, how did you come up with the idea of sticking your heads in a microwave under the poultry setting to access another dimension?

TREY: We heard it from a guy on the internet who said he wasn’t human.

ID: Aside from the burn on Mike’s forehead, were there any lasting effects?

TREY: We definitely think that something got out of the portal. Like, for example, my associate Mike Stevens heard someone say his name underwater while he was in the bathtub. He nearly choked.

Book signing in Hollywood, CA  Nov. 4, 2008. Trey asked us to blur his image citing CIA concerns (see inset below).

Even the CIA is worried.

ID: How did you get the stationery of the National Federation of Retarded People? And if, as you make sure to point out, you’re NOT the president; how would you reply to detractors who claim you might still be members?

TREY: We made up the organization of National Federation of Retarded People. If people start saying that we are actually members of the NFRP and thus retarded, Mike and I will immediately dissolve the Federation.

ID: Your book includes copies of letters, grant proposals, etc. sent to actual scientists, professors, and pastry companies. Some replied cordially and some threatened legal action if you used their real names, or even the letters without their names. As for the latter, how did you find out Professor Timothyq Arnoldq jerks it to Cat Fancy magazine?

TREY: Some of Professor Timothyq Arnoldq’s colleagues got sick of him saying a bunch of bullcrap about Trey Hamburger and Mike Stevens.  Those colleagues sent us secret letters about how sweaty and nervous he got every time Cat Fancy arrived at his office.

ID: How does your mom feel about your writing, being that she pops up from time to time in a rather unflattering light?

TREY: My mom does not support our investigation into the Paranormal or her Yeast Infections.

ID: Have you been grounded for this, and are requests for you to smell her armpit a form of passive aggressive punishment as opposed to genuine curiosity?

TREY: Yeah, right when we’re about to cross over to another dimension, my mom busted into the kitchen and asked if I wanted to smell her armpits, which I haven’t done in over 6 months! Her actions were definitely passive aggressive. She knows how important inter-dimensional travel is. My mom was trying to ruin it. I’m so sick of this BULLCRAP. I’m going to wipe my butt with her pillow later tonight.

ID: Is your mom single, Trey? She sounds hot.

TREY: My mom is an idiot.

ID: Your cousin Robert Hamburger is enjoying success with his own book on ninjas. Has he been a major influence in your creative endeavors and if not, who would you say has?


Part 1. Trey Calls Toys R Us to Investigate Inter-dimensional Portals. Gets nowhere.

Apocalypse Warning From My Bunker/Living Room

TREY:: When my cousin wrote a book, I realized that anybody could do it.  My cousin pooped on the courtroom floor once.

BUSTED! Professor Timothyq Arnoldq’s spank bank.

ID: Was there anything that happened in your extra-dimensional travel that you forgot to mention or were afraid to?

TREY: I gave my entire testimony about extra-dimensional travel in my investigation notes, Ghosts/Aliens.

ID: Your adventures begin with a terrifying instance of Hot Pocket teleportation. Do aliens enjoy them and if so, did you notice any extra-terrestrial bites on the Hot Pocket?

TREY: I am not an expert in alien dietary needs.  I am an expert in ghost and alien combat.

ID: What is the link between ghosts and aliens?

TREY: Mike Stevens and I hate both of them.

ID: Are you working on your next book?

TREY:  Right now, this is the issue I’m dealing with.  Once I’ve conquered this ghosts/aliens issue emotionally and through combat, I’ll be able to move on.

ID: Have you been approached for a movie deal? Who would you want to play you and Mike?

TREY: Yes.  I would want someone to play me who has skills similar to me.  For example,

*high running speeds

*cross bow and broadsword skills

*well trained in aquatic/semi-aquatic terrain

*and could eat a person if they get stuck somewhere

ID: Who would direct?

TREY: Somebody who isn’t a dick.

ID: Mike, how did you meet Trey? And how long have you been amigos?

Robert Hamburger, author of Real Ultimate Power and cousin of Trey Hamburger.

MIKE: Trey lives near me.  Over 3 years.

ID: Mike, you note in the book that your expert interest in vaginas began when a bunch of girls were beating you with sticks outside your house. “One of them was wearing a dress and her beaver was showing. I was like ‘Wow!'”, you write, and you were hooked. You don’t, however, mention why they were beating you up. Care to tell us now?

MIKE: I threw an orange at some girl named Morgan.  Then somebody pointed at me.

ID: Mike, I’m guessing that with the success of this book, you won’t need to get beat up by a bunch of stick-wielding girls to see a vagina. What say you?

MIKE: Right now our focus isn’t about wooing women.  Our focus is stopping all this weird stuff from happening–from floating towels to dead grandpas popping up all over the place.  But we do believe that there are some very special ladies out there who are enthusiastic about ghost/alien combat and give amazing hand jobs.

ID: Trey, I noticed your fear of Nabisco creating dick-shaped crackers is not exactly unwarranted. Already, they have created Lindsey England Butt Munch Ass Cookies. Would you say this is cause for alarm and confirmation of your worst fears?

TREY: I would eat a cookie that looked like a ladies butthole.  BUT I WILL NEVER EAT A DICK SHAPED CRACKER.  It’s totally different.

ID:  Do you plan to publish any other findings from your scientific experiments or were they all included in this book?

TREY: Right now, Mike and I have been following up on our leads.  We’ve called Nabisco and Parker Brothers and tried to get info about UFO technology.  Our recordings will be published on

ID: Have you both made your peace with that Indian dude you thought was a space alien, and have the repercussions of this incident brought you closer to racial tolerance?

TREY:  Due to legal reasons, I cannot talk about certain persons attacking other certain persons because the original persons that some guy was from another dimension, or India.

ID: If you see a sock moving across the kitchen floor again, do you think a more logical explanation might be in order than the theory that it might be self-aware? Such as a ghost merely getting ready to put on some shoes, lazily dragging the sock towards him with his big toe?

TREY: That is ridiculous because the fibers from a sock couldn’t form a functional mental apparatus, allowing the sock to propel itself across the floor.  A ghost did it.

ID: Robert, I stand corrected. Clearly I misconstrued the sock phenomenon. Thank you both so much for your time. You truly are a testament to the promise, hope and potential of our public school system.

TREY: Thank you for giving an outlet to people who hate ghosts and aliens and want to kill them.