Acid Attacker Reluctantly Spares Kathy Griffin, Worried it Would Only Improve Her Appearance

Rocky Dennis

Abdul Smegma, a notorious London acid attacker wanted for permanently disfiguring the faces of at least twenty women, announced in a Skype video today that despite Kathy Griffin’s innately offensive nature and blasphemous imbecility, he would not splash acid on her face because “it’s just so damned hideous that burning the fugly off her mug would be an improvement, thus defeating the purpose of such an attack. I want her to look worse, not better!”

Rocky Dennis described his last date with her in less than glowing terms…

“I went on a date with Kathy. People kept asking who did the special effects on her. Children pointed, cried and ran as she drew near. Hardened mobsters wet themselves as they mistook her ghastly visage for the puppet from Jigsaw.”

Close enough.

“I’m not saying she is unattractive, but she could scare a dog off a meat truck.” Anderson Cooper added. “Don Lemon and I used to love women until she broke us.”

Don “Lemonhead” Lemon, as Mark Dice calls him, nodded in agreement, pointing to his old green pimp hat in the back of his office. “I was all about the ladies, man, and I always had two chicks swinging on my arms…” He paused, and a lone tear ran down his cheek. “But she broke me. She broke me.”

Cooper continued. “She sent me a cell phone video of what appeared to be one of Lady Gaga’s creepy art pieces. It looked like a rotting roast beef sandwich with flies buzzing around it. As she pulled the camera back I realized it was her vagina. My pee-pee became very sad. It was soon dead inside. Now my sack lunch is a bag of dicks. I will never be the same.”