After much criticism, gnashing of teeth, tantrums, and holding of his breath, CNN’s Jim “Pajama Booties” Acosta has prevailed against President Trump in his battle for White House access. Trump at last relented to his stern demands and offered the reporter “a highly coveted seat at the table.” Here, a proud Acosta announces the breaking news to a global audience. Once seated, Acosta then proceeded to report on an “anonymous White House source also vetted by The Washington Post” claiming that in collusion with Gen Michael Flynn and DARPA scientists, President Trump commissioned a time machine to go back to World War Two and change the world, for the worst. A night of hard-hitting news would follow. The first was Juice-box Gate, right after CNN had nailed him hard with Ice Cream Gate.

“Trump is a monster.”

“Everyone here got one juice box, ” Acosta said solemnly, tears welling in his eyes, lips slightly quivering as he relived the traumatic moment. “President Trump got two juice boxes and even a crazy straw. He got two. It makes you wonder about the fairness and character of the man, and where the nation is going.”

Dana Bash nodded grimly, weeping openly from the anchor desk. “Do you need a moment, Jim? I know this may be difficult for you. Is is for us.”

“No, no. I will be fine,” Jim insisted, clearing his throat. “Two juice boxes. Inhuman.” Jim suddenly adjusted his earpiece. “Wait, this is breaking. It appears, according to my sources, that Trump is secretly hoarding each extra juice box for Vladimir Putin. He was doing it with the ice cream as well. Putin is in the Lincoln bedroom! That sounds like treason, Dana.”

The panel nodded in unanimous, sober consent. “It’s time for an independent, impartial investigation of the matter, perhaps led by Maxine Waters” Don Lemon argued, slamming his fist on the desk. “We’ve seen this before. It’s a disgrace to our country. This man is dangerous, mentally unstable. What does Putin have on Trump? Americans need to know.”

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