Warhawk and Lindsey Graham life partner John McCain declared this morning that Russian President Vladimir Putin is a Russian sympathizer and possibly a spy, citing a trusted source he obtained from gay dating app Grindr.

“Every minute I’m alive someone in the world dies because of me. A young child is bombed in Syria, families are destroyed, infrastructure and agriculture ruined for decades. Millions have died because of me. The deaths of others literally makes me rich. It makes my anal clitoris swell in delight. Of course I’m mad we can’t stay in Syria the way I want to. I lose money, and have to pay that much more to remove the massive pockets of calcified semen in my cheeks and jaw.”

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