Sen. John McCain: Putin is a Russian Agent

Warhawk and Lindsey Graham life partner John McCain declared this morning that Russian President Vladimir Putin is a Russian sympathizer and possibly a spy, citing a trusted source he obtained from gay dating app Grindr.

“Every minute I’m alive someone in the world dies because of me. A young child is bombed in Syria, families are destroyed, infrastructure and agriculture ruined for decades. Millions have died because of me. The deaths of others literally makes me rich. It makes my anal clitoris swell in delight. Of course I’m mad we can’t stay in Syria the way I want to. I lose money, and have to pay that much more to remove the massive pockets of calcified semen in my cheeks and jaw.”

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Methinks I am a conspiracy theorist. Art thou? Thou block, thou stone, thou worse than senseless thing, for whilst thou slept didst this become a badge of honor. Informed dissent shall always prevail, wherefore art thou worthy, or art thou this unwholesome fool in the group conformity experiment herein?

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