PDF download link: Trumps Time Machine
THE ID (DC) July 7, 2017
By Harry Pew Denda
It’s a bombshell. For those who believe time travel is impossible, there is now conclusive evidence it is not only possible but has been done. 100% anonymous footnotes, bibliography, authors; The Washington Post bravely risks it all and has just published an, admittedly, spuriously sourced book on Trump’s top secret time machine. But that’s okay, of course, due to the sensitive nature of the project in question, and key sources have to be protected.
“We’re proud to have The Washington Post’s reputation speak for itself,” said a dark robed Jeff Bezos between strange Latin chants in a midnight forest, burning Trump in effigy in an occult religious ritual before sacrificing a chicken on a bloody altar. “Because democracy dies in darkness.”
However anonymous the sources may be, the reviews are in, and are mostly positive.
 NYT Maggie “Maggot” Haberman: “I donned my pussy hat and touched myself in an impure manner to the sheer professionalism of this masterpiece. It is truly exemplary investigative journalism. I came. I saw. I came again, and again, and again.” |
 Happy P. Denda, Maggie Haberman’s Roommate: “It’s true. She came so hard she left snail trails on the toilet seat and washing machine. I had to hide the book, eventually. But then I read it, same thing happened to me. I have never been so moved by a work like this, such peerless, unflinching journalism.” |
S cott “Smelly” Pelly of CBS: “After researching the complex nature of quantum mechanics and DARPA’s latest experiments in time travel, they had our curiosity. After watching every episode of Dr. Who to confirm, they had our attention. Our science editors now fully agree. This can only be true. Time travel exists, President Trump has hijacked the technology for nefarious purposes and now we must all live in fear that he may go back in time with our pictures, and then alter our timelines to ensure we don’t exist by showing our forebears what grief their offspring will bring into this world if they don’t use a condom.” |
 Whoopie Goldberg of ABC: “My eyes are open now. I’m scared. I’m angry. I want to eat a hamburger. This book, and the painful, irrefutable truths contained therein, is a must for all students of great literature.” |
 The Impious Digest: “It’s dog shit. Even we turned it down, so that’s saying something. It was either publish that, or Megan Kelly’s new book, ‘Settle for Less.’ It’s amazing how many people dislike her, by the way. We had to switch her face with Charles Manson’s to sell more copies. And by sell, I mean give them away. Even then people tried to return them. I can’t believe Jeff Bezos published this. Wait, eh, no, actually, I can… he’s a sick puppy.” |
Here’s a sample PDF download link: Trumps Time Machine
Chapter 15
The CERN Burn: Trump Decides to “Troll History”
By 2016, Donald Trump used his access to Gen. Michael Flynn to quietly direct DARPA, then in secret works with CERN in Switzerland, to commission the first time machine ever constructed.1 Billions had been spent on Project Icarus Rex by DARPA alone. A handful of Swiss and American scientists had initially planned to intervene in a past timeline to prevent World War Three, prevent the African famines, etc.
As for President Trump, his first stop was World War Two, but he wasn’t there to stop Hitler. Trump was there to “talk shit about Anne Frank.”
The Washington Post’s most reliable White House sources, carefully vetted by publisher Jeff Bezos,2 claim he then used the quantum device to travel back into 1943. He built it much like a telephone booth but had it segregated and marked “white only” in case it materialized “in Harlem or something.”
The first test was flawless, an absolute success. He dialed the operator, dialed a year, day and hour, and Trump went directly to Amsterdam3, it was stated. “He stood outside Anne Frank’s attic window with a bull horn, merely to taunt the poor Jewish girl for being too fat.”4
“You’re a tubby, Anne!” he cried, ” You’re too fat! How are you going to fit in the rail car?” the sources familiar with the top secret experiment claim, shaking their heads.5
“He wouldn’t leave until she was crying. He had her crying like Chuck Schumer, so you know it was bad. When the poor girl finally broke into tears Trump started dancing a jig in mockery and pointing, laughing.
“Hahaha! You’re worse than Cryin’ Chuck!” he said, with Anne Frank completely oblivious to a histrionic and effete American politician she had never heard of. 6 “He was so brutal,” added another “highly credible Washington Post inside source” who knows a friend of the friend of a CNN boom operator who has actually seen an artist’s sketch of the White House interior and is therefore a “compelling, sobering” authority on the matter.7
Soon after she regained composure, this source continues,9 Anne grabbed her diary and began a counter-attack in case he tried to catch her off guard again. She wrote, on August 21, 1943, the following notes:
“Strange visit by a silly, impish time traveler. He got me good. Unacceptable. I will give as good as I get, but it must be a respectful exchange of ideas and concerns. Clearly, for this to take place, my ultimate burns must occur in an appropriate rap battle because he got mad rap skillz.
MC Anne is in da house
don’t matter if I ain’t so rich
you best respect
you punk ass bitch
I got mad skills
spittin’ the rhyme
that stops conceptions of all space
and time
about to throw down
don’t give a fuck
about no dumb ass Cryin’ Chuck
you got some nerve to talk that shit
your pale ass nothing but a catcher’s mitt…”
[pullquote]More Astonishing Secret Trump Documents![/pullquote]Sources at the Washington Post said the CIA leaker10 who saw the actual rap lyrics wanted to photograph it but could not due to national security concerns. Instead, he memorized it, wrote it in a “burn after reading” memo and sent it to press assets at The Washington Post and New York Time’s Maggie Haberman. No copies exist.
Yale historian Dick Smegmaugh (not real name) has reviewed this sample with Anne Frank’s actual writing and has confirmed it is genuine.11
“I’m 100% certain it’s her. The style, the nuances… pure Frank. It would be impossible to create such a masterful forgery that is so clearly her you don’t even need to see the writing sample itself.”12
What is clear, an anonymous MIT physicist said, is that “the technology has become pervasive and that you can even find the time-space continuum has been forever shattered thanks to Donald Trump, as evident by the rap battles you can find on YouTube between historical figures pitted against each other like rapper bum fights.”
We know a rap battle between Anne Frank and Donald Trump did take place as she was transported into the future with him, but the NSA and White House refuse to confirm or deny if these recordings exist. Washington Post sources insist they have seen them, and that “Anne Frank made Donald Trump cry as well, just ripped him to shreds about his tiny hands or something. It was a draw, I think. He hit her on her diary’s little ‘period piece,’ in reference to her writing about getting her first period and he ripped on her hard. It staggered her.
It was time for Trump to throw down, and he rapped something to this effect, according our anonymous WaPo sources:
Your writing?
much to be desired
I’ll tell you now, ho, that “YOU’RE FIRED!”
sucka MC, it’s pure frustration
reading ’bout your first menstruation
don’t wanna read about you bleedin’
my sage advice you best be heedin’
so gross just wanted it to cease
your diary’s just a period piece
I’m the rap Grand Master
back in time for your disaster
I’m gonna rip right through your brain
but first
wash up those sofa stains
She recovered quickly though.”13
yo’ momma found you in a dump
but had a heart
she’d sell your tiny hands for parts
to help a midget missing hands
but in the market, no demand
Planned Parenthood said “not buying!”
“They’re defective!”
like yo’ bitch ass raps, so ineffective
tossed to the curb
you nothin’ but a broke ass clock
with two small hands
and tiny cock
Acting on this tip, The Washington Post’s senior editors searched dutifully through YouTube videos and discovered that time travel music videos have indeed been mysteriously posted. Here is an example that brought chills up our spine:
Some Trump apologists cried foul on this reporting, citing, among other things, that Anne Frank spoke German.
“Of course she speaks German!” said the source. “But so does Trump. Because he’s Hitler.”
Chapter 15 Notes
- Anonymous
- Ibid.
- Ibid.
- Ibid.
- Ibid.
- Ibid.
- Ibid.
- Ibid.
- Ibid.
- Ibid.
- Ibid.
- Ibid.
- Ibid.
Like this book? Here’s another Impious Digest gem with no anonymous sources:
American Holocaust: 9/11 an Irrefutable Nuclear Event, over 42,000 Deaths and Counting
1,000 Times More Damning than 9/11 Commission’s 28 Pages’, ‘American Holocaust: 9/11 an Irrefutable Nuclear Event, Over 42,000 Deaths and Counting — Veterans Today Nuclear Event Evidence Compilation Leaked FBI 9/11 Evidence Against Bush, Clinton, Blair and Netanyahu Too Staggering to Ignore. If a picture is worth a thousand words (flip book), here’s some culled from thousands implicating them all, Saudis included. HTML version here.
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