table

After much criticism, gnashing of teeth, tantrums, and holding of his breath, CNN’s Jim “Pajama Booties” Acosta has prevailed against President Trump in his battle for White House access. Trump at last relented to his stern demands and offered the reporter “a highly coveted seat at the table.” Here, a proud Acosta announces the breaking news to a global audience. A night of hard-hitting news would follow. The first was Juice-box Gate. “Everyone here got one juice box, ” Acosta said solemnly, tears welling in his eyes, lips slightly quivering as he relived the traumatic moment. “President Trump got two juice boxes and even a crazy straw. He got two. It makes you wonder about the fairness and character of the man, and where the nation is going.”

Later, at a CNN panel discussing the “controversial breach in White House protocol,” the panel nodded in sober, unanimous consent. “It’s time for an independent investigation of the matter, perhaps led by Maxine Waters,” Don Lemon argued. “We’ve seen this before. It’s a disgrace to our country. Russia’s hand in this scandal is clear to all.” […]