Independent Press

The Church of “Jesus Said to Hate Your Enemies and Pray Only for Democrats”

Though they were praying over fears of an assassination; praying for the well-being of the President and nation “borders on heresy.” Keeping it classy?

“It is a form of theological malpractice that borders on heresy. When you can p-r-a-y for a president and others while they are p-r-e-y, preying on the most vulnerable, you’re violating the sacred principles of religion. You know, there is a text in Amos Chapter 2 that says religious and moral hypocrisy looks like when a nation of political leaders will buy and sell upstanding people when they will do anything to make money, when they will sell the poor for a pair of shoes, when they will grind the penniless into the dirt and shove the luckless into the ditch and extort from the poor. That is an actual text.” So sayeth Dr. William Barber, who is clearly very l-o-s-t and u-n-r-e-a-d, particularly in the b-i-b-l-e. […]

Independent Press

Inspiring! Trump’s Fiercest Enemies Offering Helpful Twitter Advice

Eschewing their natural instinct to kill a political rival, Trump’s enemies in the establishment GOP and the Democrats gathered together to offer President Trump warm, helpful advice on how to improve his messaging, so he can beat the shit out of them again with even more alacrity in the next cycle. “We love you Donald! We just want you to do well and make our country prosperous and work with us on health care and the economy! We know this Twitter thing is how you got elected and that it is a direct line to your base, a nervous system of the Trump machine that shatters the false reality constructs of so-called rational thinking spawned from General Semantics, the linguistic human engineering of groomed elites…. You know, the same the Rhodes Scholar media uses to manipulate Americans.” […]