William Shatner’s Crimes Against Humanity

Now if you look closely, you can see Bernie Taupin forcing back the tears as he introduces the man who will butcher the classic. Why else would he be wearing dark glasses, if not to conceal his weeping?

Exhibit 1: Shatner performs “Rocket Man” and a rap version of.. wait for it!… Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar. Herein William Shatner performs his special rendition of Elton John’s “Rocket Man”. It is not for the faint of heart, and you are hereby forewarned.
If after watching this video you are still not convinced a special UN tribunal for Shatner’s crimes against humanity is warranted, then listen to William Shatner’s rendition of The Beatle’s Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” Then, if you have not succumbed to the the instinctual reflex of projectile vomiting and sepukku, write to U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan and demand action now!

The following template should get you started:

Mr Kofi Annan
The U.N. Secretary-General
UN Headquarters
United Nations New York NY 10017


We the undersigned urge you to form a special U.N. tribunal to make William Shatner stop singing immediately; i.e., prohibiting his recording and performance of any classic rock, techno, alternative, gospel, folk, pop tunes, et al; as this constitutes a brutal torture of the senses, and is therefore a violation of human rights, and a crime against humanity. These poor songs, such as “Rocket Man”, “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds”, “If I had a Hammer”, etc., and those of us who love those songs, have never done him any harm and do not deserve the unspeakable abuse inherent in Mr. Shatner’s singing style, which at best consists of spoken lyrics in an annoying “Captain Kirk” monotone exacerbated by exceedingly bad dancing.

We know you fucked up in Rwanda and Serbia, pulling out all 2,500 U.N. troops the minute the genocide began in Rwanda. It was 1994, you were head of U.N. peacekeeping operations and did not pass on warnings to your superiors as news about the genocide streamed in from Canadian General Romeo Dallaire. At the same time, the U.N. was using arms embargoes to prevent Muslims in Bosnia from arming themselvess when the Serbs began their ethnic cleansing, making you and the U.N. an active party to the very type of genocides this body was created to prevent.

Granted, at least you guys admit you fucked up in Rwanda. But for this you get the Nobel Peace Prize?

I digress. In the face of these indiscretions and failures, I want to help you redeem yourself. Maybe you can do something useful here, since kissing Malthusian ass from the eugenics-happy brotherhood of apron boys in Stockholm seems to be a top priority for you today.

Please, please, please make William Shatner stop singing and redeem your organization, if only but a little bit.

Make him stop! My ears are bleeding.

Thank you for your time, you incompetent and shameless bastard.



C.C. Amnesty International, Inter-Galactic Federation of Planets, Mr. Spock