FORMER MAJOR-LOSERS.COM COLUMNIST
“You’ve got to be fuckin kidding me”
Thats what I said when Jeremy, head dipshit at messedup.net, said he got my page site done. What took you so long motherfucker, did you have to mine the fucken gold to make the computer? Fuck. Dude is the laziest fuck I know.
So you fuckers are probably wondering what the fuck is up. I mean, I ain’t updated, and I live in “Forest Grove” now. What the fuck is up with that? Simple. I’ll tell you pussies all about in the next couple weeks.
First, I gotta tell you about some shit that went down at the hospital down in Cali. Doctor motherfuckers always piss me off. I have always fucking hated em.
They are like fucken teachers in white coats, dude. Pussies. And assholes. They fuck with me almost as much as the pigs, and they think they are all cool and shit cause they wear that shit on their fucken ears to hear shit and have a goddamn lightbulb on their head. Fucking pussy motherfuckers. I hate doctors.
So here is how it all went down when Chery had the kid. We are sitting around the house, watching some A-team. I was tipping back some fuckin Schlitz and enjoying my day off. I know I ain’t got no job, motherfucker, thats why its a day off. And the bitch starts screaming. I try and ignore it, turn up the tube a little. She screams louder.
“Bitch, shut the fuck up” I yells to her.
“I am gonna have the baby” she says.
Well no shit bitch, you been looking like a fucken whale for months, tell me something I don’t know. I go in to the bedroom. “Quit making so much fucken noise, you stupid broad, I am trying to watch my shit!”. I say.
She yells “we gotta go to the hospital, asshole!” Fuck. Get a head start on it, you smartass bitch. With her runnin her fucken mouth lately, she’s gonna end up at the hospital, one way or the other. 
We fires up the datsun, and head out. I crank up some AC/DC, and get my drive on. We jump some curbs, slide around corners, all that cool shit. We slide into the hospital, right in front of an ambulance. They ask me to move the car.
“Go fuck yourself motherfucker” I tell them. “You ain’t the pigs”. Fuck them punks.
We roll into the ER. Some bitch says “Sir, you’ll have to put that cigarette out”. Fuck that, these things are fifteen fucken cents a piece. “Eat shit bitch” I tell her, as we walk down the hall. She got all pissed and yelled “PUT IT OUT”. So I did, no problem. I put it out on her face. The Double M don’t fuck around.
Well, couple hours later, Cheryl gave birth to a healthy, beautiful black boy. Like ten pounds or some shit. Dude, get this. The fucken doctor takes him out, and I am like “my son! there he is” and shit. The doctor turns him over and fucken spanks him. I ain’t shitten you man, just like I spank Cheryl, when we get busy. I drew back and drilled him right in the face, and knocked his ass to the floor. “What the fuck, turkey?”
I yelled. He fell right to his back, and I got to work on him.
I fucking hopped up on him, and started beating his fucking head in. I took some expensive fuckin machine, and tipped it over on him.
“You like that bitch?” I asked. “You wanna fuck around, you teacher looking motherfucker, I’ll fuck you up!”
I jumped into fighting position. He staggered up, wiping blood off his face. “Mr Mulletino.. you must leave” he says.
Then I really got pissed. My fucken kid was just born, and he wants me to leave? Fuck that. I took his ass out. I drop kicked him into the wall, and ran over, and riverdanced on his fucking face. I stomped up and down like a madman, till he stopped moving. I took some tool, the pigs called it a “bone cutter” or some shit, I took it and started cutting him up. I sliced him up like a fucking turkey. Get it? About that time, the fucking security guards rolled up. They tackled me and shit, and held me down. They hauled me off to jail after that. I ain’t afraid of jail, motherfuckers.
Dude, I figure it ain’t no fucking deal man. The guy had it comin, he hit my kid. I fucking hate it when people get fucking brave. I mean, he’s a fucken doctor dude, he can get the medicine for cheap. He’s just a whiny bitch, you know? They didn’t have to call the cops like that. It pisses me off. Next week, I’ll tell you why that caused the pigs to fuck with me.
They always do.
Till next time,
Mike.
Mike Mulletino is a former Columnist for Major-losers.com. He now lives in Forest Grove, Oregon, in the Rose Grove Trailer Park.. He can be reached by e-mail. He cannot be reached by phone, that shit’s been disconnected.