“You’ve got to be fuckin kidding me”
That’s what I said when Jeremy the head dork on Major-losers, was telling me about that Curtis Lee Jones turkey. I mean, at first he seemed like an ok, dude ya know? Fucking long hair, not the ‘mullet’ or whatever you fucks call it, but long, drives a cougar, gold chains, you know, the fucker has style, I had to admit it. When I said that, Jeremy just kind of looked at me funny and looked over at his bitch and yelled ‘YOUR TEAM’ whatever that means. I thought you know if it wasn’t for the smokes I get for doing this shit, I would fucking slap him just for thinking he’s smarter than me. It’s pretty clear these ‘computer’ guys have no idea what style is, I mean, this guy, he wears jeans with no holes. Whatever man, to each his own I guess.
Anyway, back to the fucking point. I was hearing about how this dude, was telling people all about his ‘Karate Championship’ and his fucking cars and shit, and I was pissed, I was like ‘this fucking turkey is fucking impersonating me!” (Jeremy bought me this word of the day toilet paper, so that’s how I know what impersonating is fuckers) I looked over at Jeremy and he looked at me with this look of fear in his eyes, he knows I don’t fucking play! I says to him, ‘I’m gonna fucking waste that turkey. He’s mother fucking going DOWN! I want that bitch’s phone number NOW!’ So, knowing that I ain’t all that good with phones, and my shit’s been disconnected, he dialed the number for me.
The fucking phone rang and rang till finally some nasty sounding bitch picked up and I was like ‘look bitch let me talk to Curtis Lee before I come over there and beat your fat ass!’ Man, that bitch was so scared, just by the sound of my voice. The next thing I know, that ‘Mike impersonating Bitch’ was on the phone, pissing his pants about how I scared his mom. I said, ‘listen mother-fucker, there can only be one Mike Mulletino mother-fucker and that is ME. I can understand how you would want to be just like me, but you better fucking bow down! I am the only Mike there will ever be bitch.’
He was like, ‘is this that Roy punk again?’ and I said ‘NO TURKEY, YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS! IT’S MIKE MOHERFUCKER! You wanna go on the inter-net and pretend your me just to get bitches? YOU MESS WITH THE BULL MOTHER FUCKER AND YOU’LL GET THE FUCKING HORNS!’
Next thing I know the scared pussy just hung up on me, right after screaming something about some dip shit named ‘Roy’. So I callback and I was like, ‘listen up bitch, I am Mike Fucking Mulletino, and I ain’t fucking around here! You better stop fucking trying to be like me just to get bitches!’ I says, ‘we both know you ain’t no Karate champion, and we both know that you ain’t shit, so ya just need to accept it TURKEY!’
Then he says ‘ Whatever mother-fucker, you better watch out cause if ya don’t, one day yer gonna answer the trailer door and yer gonna be staring down the barrel of my fucking gun.’ I says, ‘ you are one dumb bitch, for even thinking about threatening me mother fucker. I have a fucking black belt in karate, and you just gave me a reason to fucking use it. I’m gonna fucking get the camaro running and be over there quicker than you can fucking say ‘hungry man dinner’. I was pissed by this time and all I could think about was how much of the welfare check I could use to get a bus ticket and show up on that mother fuckers front door. I was thinking I would take the Datsun but, I decided it’s probably not a good idea since something is wrong with it, I think it’s the timing belt or some shit. I says to this Curtis bitch, I says, ‘ You belong on that site, mother fucker, you’re a fucking loser, on fucking disability and shit, get a real fucking job, or at least make your bitch get one’, and he says to me, ‘ I hurt my back in the last karate show I was in’ and I was like, ‘ whatever man, the only thing on your body that ain’t working is your fucking brain. I’m gonna warn you one more time to stop impersonating me, or you’ll be sucking your Ramen through a straw’.
‘ Fuck you queer boy,’ he says, ‘ I am too a fucking karate champion, you can fucking ask me any question and I’ll answer it right’ and I says, ‘ we all saw the karate kid mother fucker, that ain’t telling me shit, but I do got one question for ya.’ And he says, ‘what’s that bitch?’ and I says, ‘ YOU WANNA GO TURKEY!?’ and that is all it took.
He was pissed. ‘I’m fucking tired of you mother fuckers calling me and harassing me, I am gonna find you and I am gonna beat your fucking ass. I’m gonna fucking bash your head in with an aluminum bat and then I’m gonna fucking take that bat to your camaro, if you even really have one.’.
‘YOU GOT A DEATH WISH FUCKER?! NO ONE FUCKING THREATENS THE ‘MARO TURKEY’, I says. ‘ YOU BET BITCH! I’M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU’ he says. I was pissed and Jeremy was recording the whole thing, just laughing his ass off like this wasn’t some serious shit. And that pissed me off too, but he gets away with it since he buys the smokes, lucky for him too.
Jeremy says, ‘OK man, that’s good, let’s wrap it up’ and I was like, ‘ fuck yeah we’ll wrap it up, we’ll wrap HIM up in a fucking body bag Jeremy’ and then Curtis was like ‘ is that the fucker from major-losers? That fucking faggot JC?’ and I was like, ‘ YOU FUCKING DONE IT NOW! NO ONE TALK SHIT ABOUT THE MAN THAT KEEPS ME AND CHERYL IN CAMELS! NO ONE, BUT ME!’ and he was like, ‘I’m gonna kill that fag’ and I was like, ‘LOOK TURKEY, I’M GONNA GET ON A BUS AND I’LL FUCKING BE THERE IN TWO DAYS, THEN YOU AND ME, ARE GONNA GO!’ And I hung up the phone. He was one scared bitch. He’s probably STILL pissing in his pants, but JC and me got to talking about it and I decided I wasn’t gonna go there. With Cheryl expecting and all, it’s just not a good idea, besides, if I go over there, the cops are gonna fuck with me.
They always do
Mike Mulletino is a former Columnist for Major-losers.com. He now lives in Forest Grove, Oregon, in the Rose Grove Trailer Park. He can be reached by e-mail. He cannot be reached by phone, that shit’s been disconnected.