This auditory holocaust’s introduction regarding the White House, i.e., “we need a woman to clean it up…Hillary in the House” has an inadvertently sexist undertone that evaded all of the women here. The middle-aged white “rapper” seems to promote the first female president/White House cleaning woman. At 3:00 am, she would be up all right– doing the White House laundry.
Citing an anonymous CIA source, twice failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton peed herself earlier today at a gathering laying out the true reasons for her loss. News later emerged that the Russians were somehow responsible for leaking the full contents of her bladder before she could finish her speech. This time Russian leader Vladimir “The Bladder Whisperer” Putin did take the blame and said her vesica, a double agent, was “always a faithful leaker.” […]
After much criticism, gnashing of teeth, tantrums, and holding of his breath, CNN’s Jim “Pajama Booties” Acosta has prevailed against President Trump in his battle for White House access. Trump at last relented to his stern demands and offered the reporter “a highly coveted seat at the table.” Here, a proud Acosta announces the breaking news to a global audience. A night of hard-hitting news would follow. The first was Juice-box Gate. “Everyone here got one juice box, ” Acosta said solemnly, tears welling in his eyes, lips slightly quivering as he relived the traumatic moment. “President Trump got two juice boxes and even a crazy straw. He got two. It makes you wonder about the fairness and character of the man, and where the nation is going.”
Later, at a CNN panel discussing the “controversial breach in White House protocol,” the panel nodded in sober, unanimous consent. “It’s time for an independent investigation of the matter, perhaps led by Maxine Waters,” Don Lemon argued. “We’ve seen this before. It’s a disgrace to our country. Russia’s hand in this scandal is clear to all.” […]
Fresh on the heels of a Henry Kissinger endorsement, recognized and wanted as a war criminal in several countries he can no longer step foot in, Hillary proudly announces a ringing endorsement from Satan, the Prince of Darkness. "This is kind of a no brainer," chirped a proud Satan. "She's been Employee of the Month for 46 months straight. From Iraq to Syria, Gaza to Afghanistan, you name it, there is no end to the dead children she's delivered me in her quest to end her life as US President. To her I say 'well done, my good and faithful servant.' Now come, it is time to go home." […]