MAJOR-LOSERS.COM COLUMNIST
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me”
That’s what I said when I found out ANOTHER fucken page-site wants to have my shit on it. Dude, I am like a regular Ted fucken Kopple dude, people love my fucken journalism. Its like I have magic touch man, my name is like gold in this interweb shit. I love it.
So Jeremy’s punk ass calls me up last week, and is like “hey, a friend of mine wants you to write for his page site thing”. And I was like “how much”, bitch. I don’t do no fucken charity work bro. He was like “2 packs of camels… box”. I was like “fuck that shit, dude. I don’t fuck around like that. I wanted four packs. Jeremy calls back me back and says “the reverend says three packs”. Fuck that shit man, I’ll put a hole in his dot fucken head for insulting my shit like that. Jeremy said he’d take me out to lunch too, so I said Ok. We’re in a recession man, and camels are four bucks a pack.
So I asks him: “You think I can’t afford a fucken value meal dude? IS THAT IT… Oh, its a big and tasty for the broke motherfucker, right? FUCK THAT SHIT PUNK”. He started tremblin. I could see the fear in his punk ass. |
So we hop in the datsun, and stroll in to the Mc Donalds in Forest Grove. We wait in line.. then we stroll up to the counter. This fuckin dude is like “big and tasty with no onions?” he asks me. Can you believe that shit? Motherfucker thinks I am always broke.. like I can’t afford a fuckin value meal dude. “What are you trying to say, hard ass?” I asked him. He kinda paused. “Well.. you usually get a big and tasty with no onions” he says.. all smart ass like. So I asks him: “You think I can’t afford a fucken value meal dude? IS THAT IT… Oh, its a big and tasty for the broke motherfucker, right? FUCK THAT SHIT PUNK”. He started tremblin. I could see the fear in his punk ass. “But.. but sir.. ” he says. I pulled his head down and slammed his punk face right into the register. The double M don’t fuck around.
This is when shit started getting interesting. He falls back holding his nose, and hits the floor. He says “you are gonna pay for this”. So I jumps over the counter, and started whaling on his fucken face. I was beatin the dude hard, and he was ballin like a bitch. I thumped on his fucken dome for a bit, and decided to let up a little. I started to stand up, when this manager dude comes around the corner, I didn’t even see him coming. All the sudden, he hits me in the back of the fuckin head with a mop, dude!! I hit the floor. Shit was getting serious now.
That pussy ass fucking Jeremy just sat there like a bitch. Didn’t even have my back. I should “mess up” his fucking face, the yellow bellied motherfucker. So I got up, and the manager dude was holdin a broom. I grabbed it, and fuckin kicked him right in the face, knocking him back. I took the mop, and started smashing in his fucking head with it. The other dude gets up, and takes a swing at me. I ducked, then I shoved his ass back into the fry bin. I grabbed his hand, and shoved it in the oil vat. “You like that shit bitch-boy?” I asked. He didn’t like it. I took one of the fry baskets out of the vat, and branded his fucking face with it. “Good job tough-guy, now people can play checkers on your fuckin mug, dude”.
So now shit was starting to get under control. I walked over to the manager who was just getting up. He started running back to the back, by the grills. I kicked his foot, and he hit the fucking ground hard. Where the fuck you goin? I stood him up, and spun him around. I saw some mexican dude toasting buns with this machine. You press it down, and it toasts the bottom of em. I figured it was pretty hot. I stuck manager dude’s hand in there and started toasting his hand. He started cryin. “Please don’t hurt me sir… I didn’t think… I am sorry… I am so sorry…” he was saying. Dude, sorry don’t fix my rep. At least 15 people saw you hit me with the mop. I took his hand out of the toaster, and turned him around, and slammed his face on the burger grill. I pressed it down till you could hear it sizzle. I don’t fuck around, and its time some people recognized it.
We burned out of there pretty quick like.
I ended up stompin the dude’s skull, and he passed out, or died, or something. Jeremy started screaming at me to go, so me and his no-helping-out fuckin ass hopped in the dat, and fuckin blasted out before the pigs showed up. If they found out the big Mulletino was behind this shit, they’d fuck with me.
They always do.
-Mike
Mike Mulletino is a former Columnist for Major-losers.com. He now lives in Forest Grove, Oregon, in the Rose Grove Trailer Park.. He can be reached by e-mail. He cannot be reached by phone, that shit’s been disconnected.