“He left thirteen little tapes to send to all the trolls who messed with him on Facebook.”

CNN Chief Jeff Zucker was never easy on the eyes, but now a rash of penis suicides has hit the nation as male genitals are bullied online with taunts of “Jeff Zucker head”, “Butt Fucker Zucker,” “Zuck face”, “CNN is Fake News!”, “CNN is ISIS!” and “Mother Zucker” that in best case scenarios, only resolves with years of therapy; but in worst cases, ends in suicide and tragedy. The report, “Penile Suicide and Jeff Zucker’s Ugly Bitch Ass Face: A Twin Tragedy” was conducted by the University of Jeff Zucker Can Go Fuck Himself, and just published today.

One grieving young man, who rightfully wishes to remain anonymous, noted that “when I was asleep he would go online to check his social media account, and they would leave these horrible, brutal comparisons to Jeff Zucker under his profile. This morning I found him, dead, a tiny gun falling out of my boxers. We are looking into new prosthetic options as the family prepares a funeral. He left thirteen little dick tapes to send to all the trolls who messed with him on Facebook. Used to have hookers laugh at the little guy, he never cried. He was stoic, never winced. But this…those fucking monsters.”

As for CNN chief Jeff Zucker, the grim phenomenon of penile suicides attributed to the ugly motherfucker has puzzled social scientists for years now, but new computer modeling of actual brain atrophy as their spirit withers under the defamatory and scarring comparisons to the steaming shit bag and deep state mind-fucker may yet pave a way towards treatment, researchers say.


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