By Mike Mulletino FORMER MAJOR-LOSERS.COM COLUMNIST
"You've got to be fuckin kidding me"
That's what I said when the judge said to get the fuck out of California. "Why, mother fucker? I said. "Because your obnoxios blah blah blah fucken yeah" some bullshit, I wasn't listenin. Basically, he was saying I kick too much ass. And there ain't nothing wrong with that, dude.
It all started with that bullshit at the hospital. I fucked some people up, and my pussy ass P.O. Got all worked up about it, and sent me back to court. I called the bailiff a pussy ass motherfucker, and when he swung his baton at me, I sidekicked him in the fuckin head. I don't play, and he knows this shit. So I go to jail for that shit, right? I cool out, hang with the buds, and everything is cool. Then, when they were letting me out, the bitch at the jail is letting me out, and says "see ya next time" in a smart assed way. So I head- butted her in the fuckin face. Bitch better keep her mouth shut.
So I am trying to figure out some places to go. Where can a partying man like myself find some weed? Where are the cops gonna lay off my shit, and mind their own fucking business. I couldn't think of nothing. The pussy ass faggot state of Cali can't handle the MM anymore, and I gots to go. I was thinking of goin down south, to like Compton or Englewood or something, but a white boy can't blend in around there. Besides, the "brothas" like to cut the weed with Oregano. Fuck that shit. So I called up moms and asked her ass for advice. She was all drunk and shit, but I did hear something about my brother Mark, and she gave me a number for his ass up in Oregon. I called him up.
the ground real quick like. I jumped up on him, and started beatin him. I fucking racked up his dome, double M style. Cheryl came running out. "Mike you motherfucker, you're scaring the kids!" she says. Fucking bitch. She never knows when to keep her trap shut. "He called you fat" I says, to try and get her on my side. She sets down her ciggarette, and kicks the dude right in the face, splattering blood all over the gas pump. He was knocked the fuck out. I jump up, and hop in the Datsun. Its time to get the fuck out. I drop the clutch, and the tires start spinnin. I pulled out, then turned around real quick and stopped. I walked over, and took the gas pump, and filled up his fucken mouth with gas. Fuck it, I gotta leave Cali with a bang, you know? We headed out.
Now, for those of you who don't know, Mark is my bro. He's been a cool motherfucker, right from the start. Mark lives up in Oregon, in Forest Grove. Now, the FG is a small place, but packed with cool motherfuckers. There is long hair everywhere, dude, and the weed is plentiful. Plus, like Mark was saying, the cops don't give a fuck dude. It ain't like Cali, where they put your ass in Jail and shit. If you ain't got no job, and don't own nothing, they don't fuck with ya. They don't give a fuck dude. Mark has been pulled over, with smoke rolling out his car, they just tell him, "don't do it again" and shit. They don't give a fuck man. So we headed out.
We loaded up the datsun and headed out. We hit the open road with the tires spinning. It was pretty routine till the smartass at the gas station. Motherfucker was inside, taking his time right? So put his shit in neutral, and pushed his ride forward, and into a fence. It was some mercedes or some shit. I pulled into his spot, and started filling up. Dude comes running out screaming "what did you do to my car?" and crying like a bitch. "FUCK turkey, you better back off" I tells him. "I am calling my attorney" he says to me. Fuck this. The double M don't do courtss. I fucking drilled him right in his kisser. Fuck this shit, I was tired of playing around.
Forest Grove is a good place dude. After being there about an hour, I hooked up with some cool motherfuckers, and got my dope connections set up right from the start. Its a part of moving that nobody likes, man, finding new connections, bitches to fuck, a local store for lottery tickets and cigarettes. Its fucked up.
But we live in the Rose Grove mobile park in downtown Forest Grove. Its right across the street from the Auto Zone, and has a 7-11 nearby and everything. Plus, the mexicans right next door cook meth, Mark sells weed, and across the street, there is this fine ass 16 year old bitch that I hear puts out. Fuck dude, I've died and gone to heaven.
Till next time,
Mike Mulletino is a former Columnist for Major-losers.com. He lives in Forest Grove, in the Rose Grove Trailer Park, #43. He can be reached by e-mail. He cannot be reached by phone, that shit's been disconnected.