by Yangil Kim
Upon escaping the shrine of Talos, you and your party stumble upon a ceremony in progress designed to gate in the hordes of Abishai from the depths of hell in order to wreak havoc among the peace loving citizens of your homeland. Springing immediately into action you nock an arrow and let fly into the black heart of the Ritualist presiding over this blasphemous summoning.
His flock screams in dismay and terror as your critical hit slices the very seat of the head priest’s lifeblood in twain, Thereby botching the ritual and turning the devils of hell on their would be summoners in an orgy of bloodletting seldom seen outside the walls of a butcher’s place of business. Once again, Evil has fallen to righteousness and the world continues to exist, blissfully ignorant to the danger averted by it’s unsung heroes. The glory, the quest, the dice, the zits, Dungeons and Dragons has been a bastion of hope and escape for the dreamer in an otherwise mundane world since it’s creation in the late seventies. From such a humble beginning as a few numbers on paper, D&D has inspired many a downtrodden idealist and unrepentant self-abuser to great heights of creativity and imagination that might have otherwise never seen the light of day, buried under the oppressive weight of nosebleeds and wedgies.
Yet there are many that harbor an irrational fear and suspicion toward this innocuous game of camaraderie and whimsy. D&D has been oft maligned by those that do not understand it’s inner workings. It has alternatively been dubbed “Uncool” and “Pointless” or even “Satanic” amazingly enough over the course of generations that did not recognize the gift they have been given in this deceivingly brilliant little game.
I shall address alleged Satanism first since it is most easily refuted. D&D does not and has never exalted the Judeo-Christian Satan, promoted unkind action or thought toward animals or humans, nor has it elevated curious youngsters to ridiculous levels of sexual depravity, such as lesbianism, or championship dogshows. The few devils that exist within the scope of the game are there as foils and obstacles to be defeated and overcome that goodness might reign supreme. The core of Dungeons and Dragons is Chivalry and Righteousness, in no way can the pursuit of goodness for the sake of goodness cause people to fall into the depths of evil in the fashion that ridiculous religious fundamentalists, whose escapism is even greater than that they accuse the RPG gamer of, seem to like to believe. D&D does not inspire the murder of children, the rape of housepets, the beating of the elderly, or the abortion of unborn infants. The propensity for any such activity was already existent within the player and brought to the game against the spirit of the activity, or enforced upon it by the perverted spank-dreams of some ridiculous bible belt Baptist while he derides such an innocent pastime whilst cataloguing his collection of german-shepard porn. D&D is a game of wonder and discovery, not a mass puberty cramp of aspiring Anton Levays.
The game has also been primarily the hallmark of the intellectual, and thus dubbed “uncool” by a vast majority of societally exalted individuals whose insecurities and immaturities prevent any attempt at understanding the core philosophies of D&D. The world we live in is a dreary place that rewards stupidity and insensitivity. Apathy and disregard for ones fellow man is encouraged and propagated by masses of stagnant, complacent workaday losers and rabid republicans. WE put money before ethicality and beauty before personality. Is it any wonder that those with the mental capacity to imagine a better place would seek to dwell elsewhere, for even as brief a span as an evening? These damned hopefuls, these abused idealists all flock to their peers in an attempt to surround themselves with those that understand, those willing to put aside such frivolous delineations as possibility and dream together, for the betterment of all involved.
It is no secret that it takes at least a minute spark of intelligence and creativity to partake in the genius that is D&D, and that such a spark is quickly stomped out under the oppressive weight of locker room beatings, noogies, hair clumped with chewing gum and an endless parade of dateless evenings, but for those that yet hold onto this quintessence, truly prodigious feats are possible in the realm of the infinite. To you I say, what is the nature of cool? materialistic grasping at the threads of societal trappings in an effort to gain self-worth vicariously through the approval of others of that ilk? Or the systematic destruction of freewill in the rush to join the bandwagon rolling not to hell, but to a sterile nothingness devoid of wonder or thought in exchange for mindless vice indulgence and breeding of stupidity? Hold fast dreamers, take what respite you can in those that can share your vision, for that is to be your salvation. Droning Rap music and vacuous MTV VJays be damned.
For each and every argument against Dungeons and Dragons I will put forth as evidence a well adjusted asset to the human race, a clear eyed confidant visionary whose ability to think and dream outside the rapidly diminishing box of human consciousness marks him as special in the wastelands of fast-food franchising and GPS toting toddlers. These individuals are what redeems humanity, not the high school heartthrob quarterback that now pumps gas nine to five, not the certified public accountant that exists only to compute hard data, not even the beauty pageant queen that gets knocked up and fat and spends the rest of her life bulimic and suicidal. None of these give credit to the true potential of humanity, The ability to transcend our self imposed shackles and find true paradise within the wonders of our dreams and yearnings. I cannot make those who do not understand accept my words, because they are incapable of sharing in the vision, but I can say this to them, leave D&D alone, for when you tamper with the outlets for creativity and wonder, all you invest in is misery. To deny a child his dreams is to remove any spark of sentience within his fragile heart.
Read Well and Heed My Warning Lady Ellowyn Ela’datha otherwise known as Yang il Kim