MAJOR-LOSERS.COM COLUMNIST
“You’ve got to be fuckin kidding me”
Thats what I said when that dumb bitch told me she wanted to see that Harry fucking Potter shit. Why the fuck would we want to go see some dumb ass movie, with a bunch of uptight people, for like 60 bucks. Its fucking stupid, but I do it, so the bitch wont get on my nerves. “Well, first thing, you dumb bitch, we aint got no money”. I said. She yelled back: “I want to impress my stupid freinds at target” or some shit like that. I dont know what the fuck she said, and I dont care. Then she says “I’ll get money”…Yeah fucking right I was thinking.. we done spent it all. We cant afford no goddamn Harry Potter. If we could, shit, that would get me a carb kit for the Camaro. Jesus.
| A few minutes later, his punk ass dad rolls up. “I would like you to please not harass my son like that”, he says. I laughed, and said “I would like to you suck a fart out of my ass, you punk bitch” and pushed him. |
So then she was like “I can get money” and had that wicked little smile… I hate it when she does that. She went over to Charlies, and was there about a half hour, came back with 60 bucks. She must have borrowed it from him, or something. Anyways, so we load up our kids in the datsun and we buzz on down to the theatre. Fuck dude, you should have seen the fucking line of people down there. It was nuts. So we cruise up to the line, you know, and some kids were gigglin, and pointing at us, starting shit. “What the fuck are you looking at?” I yelled at one of them. He was laughing, and said “Nice Mullet” or some shit. I aint no fish motherfucker. So I went up to him, and said “HEY, FATASS, YOU WANNA GO?” and he started backing down, the little bitch. I cracked my knuckles, and stared him down, letting him know that the double M dont fuck around.
A few minutes later, his punk ass dad rolls up. “I would like you to please not harass my son like that”, he says. I laughed, and said “I would like to you suck a fart out of my ass, you punk bitch” and pushed him. Cheryl starting yelling, and shit “You’re gonna go to jail again, Mike” and shit. Fuck, I yelled “Its worth it” and the punk looked at me funny. “you white trash need to go back to where you belong” he said. “Listen you AAA card-carrying, seinfeld-watching motherfucker, you don’t want to fuck with this. I aint no white trash. And I will fuck you up, if you dont back the fuck down”. He turned around, and muttered something like “forget it, shitbag” or something. I fuckin clocked him right in the back of his fucking pumpkin. I was pissed. He got up, and as he did, I kicked him right in the jaw, spraying blood all over the people in the line. Then I stomped his ribs. His wife starts swingin her fuckin purse at me, trying to hit me and shit. I ducked, and pushed her ass over the garbage can. Cheryl jumped in, and started beating the bitches face, pulling on her hair. She fucking beat the bitch down, and one of her bitch freinds starts jumpin in, I jumped up, and fucking drop kicked her right in the tits. She flew off the curb, and in front of a bus, which hit her.
After the commotion there, “Jerry puckerbutt” was ready to go again, just as he gets up, I fucking uppercut his punk ass, shooting him about 6 inches off the ground, into the window, where the fat zit-faced chick takes your tickets. He hits the window and it shatters. Then, I pulled the microphone from in front of the pig-faced bitch, and yanked it out of its socket. I took the microphone, and started beating the dude, seriously. Blood was splattering everywhere, and I fucking wouldn’t stop. Next thing I know, I hear a horn, and the datsun is up on the sidewalk, and Cheryl was revving the motor “C’mon, the pigs will be comin”.. I thought I may as well let the dude live. I got in, and she revved it up to about 8 grand, and dropped the clutch, burning the fuck out of there, I was yelling and shit.
It was fucked up. I couldnt believe that punk motherfucker tried to step up to the pure power of the double M. So I guess Cheryl is kinda fucked, I mean, she cant impress her preppy target friends. Fuck them anyway. You know none of them like me. They are always talking shit, sayin “he’s no good for you” and shit “he aint got no job” and all that shit. Its bullshit, though. I am an internet columnist.
But thats why we didnt see Harry Fucken Potter. Not that we cant afford it, we just got fucked, ya know? Fuck them target punks. I’ll have my own pagesite shit, too. Fuck them. Well, I gotta go, got the lights turned off, watchin for the pigs to show up. They are gonna fuck with me.
They always do.
-Mike
Mike Mulletino is a former Columnist for Major-losers.com. He now lives in Forest Grove, Oregon, in the Rose Grove Trailer Park. He can be reached by e-mail. He cannot be reached by phone, that shit’s been disconnected.