Scientists Remove Gene Mutation Responsible for CNN Reporters

The Nobel Prize committee has just announced a new nominee in the science department. Geneticist Dr. Hung Lo of MIT has not only discovered a way to remove and repair defective genes responsible for cancer and a host of many incurable diseases, the brilliant young scientist has also discovered a means to locate and repair the gene mutation responsible for CNN reporters.

“Gone are the days when couples held back on having children because they feared severe birth defects, terminal post-natal diseases, or the possibility that their child might be a CNN reporter.”

Planned Parenthood spokeswoman Lizzy Borden was not pleased about the new technology, and was concerned over the loss of revenue from aborted CNN reporter fetuses. While she did not have any prepared comment, we caught up with her later at a poetry reading in Santa Monica, where we gained the following insights as she stood up, opened her notebook, and read aloud…

“Our clinics, once busy,

have fallen silent.

No more the steady dull thud,

the sweet percussion

of little Don Lemons

and Anderson Coopers

and Wolf Blitzers

flying, like our spirits

flying into the cold hard steel

of awaiting dumpsters.

That music is gone,

the dance in our step, gone

For I am silenced, my laughter gone

the chirp, gone

I am a muted cricket in a wheelchair

partaking not in midnight chorus

fuck you Dr. Hung Lo

no more the sweet and grateful sighs

of terrified mothers

relieved they’d bring one less terror

one less CNN baby

into a world of horrors…”

As the hipster audience began to throw diapers and rotten fruit at the poet, Stephen Hawking, who happened to be in the audience, added:

“CNN is a cancer. Humanity may now look forward to a positive step in evolution if these terrible mutations can be curtailed. The corporate media’s main reason for existing is to get people to war against one another, to foment division. They are not agents of healing or education, they are not a means for critical thinking as opposed to indoctrination and group think. Without them, there would be no wars of aggression, for it is not human nature to kill without a clear and present danger, which of course, the media artificially creates every day.

“They’re dangerous, even an existential threat, because all wars begin with a persuasion effort that starts in the mass media. They are the masters of perception and as a monolithic entity present what many perceive as ‘reality.’ But they largely create the mental prison we live in. Did you know CNN pays airports to keep their channel on in airport terminals? They’ll even install the televisions.”

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At press time, the next poet started off with a piece called “If Life Gives You Lemons, Go to Planned Parenthood.”

If life gives you lemons

make lemonade

if life gives you Don Lemons

go to Planned Parenthood…”

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