Upon learning Meghan Markle would not be present when he visits the Queen, a despondent President Trump found himself making appointments with the top trauma psychologist in town.
"I've defeated the Bush dynasty, the Clinton dynasty, the deep state that paralyzed our country, but I cannot defeat the staggering depression I feel from not having Mrs. Markle there when I visit. It's not because the Queen made a very rare request for my appearance that I agreed to go. It's because I actually want to see her. Just to see her..." he sobbed, trailing off. "Not good. Not good. I don't think I've ever met anyone really famous, and here we have England's answer to the Kardashians. I hate the spotlight so I was really counting on having her distracting retinue of paparazzi steal the thunder from a state visit! So I am very distraught! Not good."
When informed that she wasn't even invited to the private audience, he was still not consoled.
"What did I do to deserve this? What do I have to do to win her approval?"
Dr. Harry V. Jyna, a therapist specializing in PTSD, noted in an interview that "there are three different types of major trauma I typically see: battlefield, sexual, and perceptual. It could be the soldier who gets an arm blown off in battle, constantly reliving his futile efforts to retrieve his limb while under heavy fire. It could be a young woman that was gang raped and left for dead, or it could be Meghan Markle not attending an event because you're going to be there. The last is by far the worst. I hope, therefore, that President Trump gets the help that he needs. This is serious, and I offer my services pro bono. May God protect and watch over him, as I am indeed worried, for such a slight from Markle is fatal to mere man."
"He's been having flashbacks and nightmares of the moment he was told that Meghan Markle would refuse to attend when he visits the queen because she hates him so much. He wakes up screaming in a cold sweat, thankful it was just a nightmare, before suddenly realizing that his hell is actually true," noted Press Secretary Sarah Sanders. "We are all at a loss as to how to comfort him."
Indeed, at press time, Melania was found desperately trying to talk Trump into removing the noose around his neck before he could kick over a rickety stool under his feet; his hand holding a tear-drenched picture of Meghan Markle.