I dumped my girlfriend Maureen over FOX News, and would do it again.

In fact, I made up with her the next day just so I could break up with her again.

But oh my! had she just been a crack whore, or a barfly drunkard, we would have made it, I know I could have gathered the strength to keep us together! But no… She was one of them now. She was gone, gone now from the world of the good, or redeemable.

Victim In Fatal Car Accident Tragically Not Glenn Beck

Honors student Rebecca Bunten died in the crash today, leaving the nation to wonder why the grisly experience of burning alive was not reserved for Glenn Beck…


I remember the phone call started innocently enough.

“I can’t believe you hate FOX News. I love FNC! What are you, a liberal? Don, don’t you love your country? Aren’t you worried about our health care holocaust if Obama gets his way?”

“No. Glenn Beck is. I worry about kool-aid drinking idiots who like Glenn Beck.”

“So,” she said contemptuously, “you are a liberal.”

“And you’re a Republican.”

“Not so. I’m a Libertarian.”

“Maureen, a Libertarian is a Republican that’s pro-abortion. Now, name the Libertarian presidential candidate for 2008.”

There was a long pause.

“You’re missing the point!” she blurted.

“Did you vote Libertarian? No, of course not. You voted McCain.”

“And you’re a liberal.”

“Why, yes, I am. Maureen, you’ve known me for years. I’m pro-life, like all liberals,” I said sarcastically. “I believe abortion takes a human life, even if done at conception…like all liberals.”

Brutus

“But you’re a Democrat.”

“I detest what Republicans have come to stand for. I mean, do you know how rotten you have to be to make the Democrats look good? The democrats killed their own president, they were the knife in Brutus’ hand. Even so, they are the lesser evil.”

“I’m trying to talk about something serious here, and you come up with this crazy shit about Popeye’s nemeses having a role in Kennedy’s murder.”

“You mean Bluto, you Malkin dropping?”

“Yeah. Is that a joke? how could you work him into such a serious conversation?”

“Maureen, I was talking about Brutus, whom with several other senators in ancient Rome betrayed Caesar and stabbed him to death. How can you confuse Bluto and Brutus? Seriously? One is a cartoon character and one is a historical figure. Oh, yeah, I know! let me guess.. YOU WATCH FOX NEWS.”

“At least I’m not misled by the liberal media. You believe everything you hear.”

Bluto

“I just heard you say something really, really stupid. I believe that, yes.”

“You don’t love our country. I see that now.”

“As for the question about loving my country, I love it enough to know the difference between loving your country, and loving the corrupt leaders of political parties we can elect and remove. A political party is not to be confused with a country. Dumb ass.”

“You sound like a socialist. Do you believe in socialism?”

By this time I was certain she could not define what a socialist is.

“What, my dear woman, is a socialist?”

“An elitist high society type; people of social prominence who spend all their time and resources entertaining or being entertained.”

My jaw dropped. I thought she was kidding.

“Oh,” I said finally. “You mean a socialite. A socialist is someone who believes in the teachings of Karl Marx. Socialism.”

“Yes, but socialites gave us socialism and communism.”

“No, I believe you mean socialists gave us socialism.”

“You’re wrong.”

“I think this is where we part ways. You may be hot but the risk we’ll have some truly dumb ass children is too high. You’d give Einstein a brood of tards. We’re through. Don’t ever call me again.”

I have never met an intelligent FOX News fan. I mean it. I know plenty of intelligent conservatives and plenty of dumb liberals, and plenty of smart liberals and dumb conservatives, but the FOX News fan is a different animal altogether. It is a dumb, deaf and blind animal that prides itself on its lack of senses. The FNC fan is a cultist.

Well, actually, it’s more than that. After a careful study of FOX News personalities, I realized the real issue isn’t one about parties or government. The real issue is a tendency for a FNC infected soul to gravitate towards those who appeal to the worst in human nature. Full of hate for the poor? FOX loves you. Does the concept of responsibility for our national ills, because of your votes for bad legislators, offend you? FOX News says you aren’t to blame. Do you cast your hate and blame your misfortunes on people infinitely worse off than you? FOX wants you to anchor a show.

FNC pretty much advertises itself as a Christian channel. But I have no doubt if Jesus were here right now, they’d be the Sanhedrin calling for his death.

They would be Pharisees and Sadducees rebuking him for healing the sick on the Sabbath. Like Jim Jones, they will misuse the bible to kill believers. It’s a cult of ignorance, hypocrisy and hate.

No matter how pretty a girl may be, when she channels FOX News, she’s ugly as sin.

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