FORMER MAJOR-LOSERS.COM COLUMNIST
"You've got to be fuckin kidding me"
Thats what I said when I was approached by these inter-net guys when they said they would pay me 10 bucks per article, if I wrote shit for their webnet site. I know a lot of shit about the inter-net, I just dont fuck with it much. Some guys are just meant to swing a hammer, and some guys were meant to push buttons, you know? So anyways, what should I write my first article about? Well, a lot of crazy shit has happened lately, things are all sorts of fucked up. But you wouldnt believe what went down at Walnut Grove Trailer Park last week. Some crazy shit.
Anyways, so it was like Wednesday or Tuesday, some shit, I dont know. I got up a little early, like 10 am or some shit, cause I got some parts for the Camaro, get that thing runnin. The webnet guys dont want me to say too much about the 'maro, they said to keep it short. Its a 81 IROC, and fast as fuck dude. Were talking like 9s in the quarter... its got so much power, that a lot of its wasted. I cant keep the tires from spinnin. I mean, over 1000 raw horsepower to the tires dude, its gonna spin tires or wheelie no matter what ya do. The price you pay, when you drive one of the fastest cars in the world. Anyways, I gotta get that shit running.
So me and Mark and working on my shit, you know, he got a good line on an alternator, for like 10 bucks.. anyways, I can pay for it now that I am an "internet columnist". So these fuckin ragheads pull into the park. We thought they were lost or something. They were in a nice ass car, too. A goddamn lexus or some shit. Mark was like "Fucking Ragheads" And I was like.. "Yeah, dude what are they doin here?" and then Frank, the fat dude across the street, comes runnin and pulls thier keys out of their car. We had to investigate. With that shit that went down in New York dude, you can't take any chances.
We pulled em out of the car, and was like "what's up" and made them line up against the wall, and we started asking questions, and they pretended they didnt know any english and shit. I was like "dude, they are fucking terrorists" and Mark was like "No, their cool.." and started to let them go.. I was like "Fuck that" and pulled thier keys out again. I, (all by myself, because I hang out with a bunch of pussies) threw their asses into a pile and started searchin thier car... Guess what I found dude... a fucking big ass bomb, and plans to... BLOW UP THE LAUNDROMAT. Fuck man, them dudes were about to go free too.. I was fucking pissed. My fucking high was starting to wear off, and I needed to get stoned.
Plus, I coulda used a goddamn beer at that point, too.
So I went back over to them dudes, and started beating the shit out of em. I took one, and, with one punch, knocked all of his teeth out. I took the other one, and kicked him in the jaw. I took the other one and busted his nose open. I fucking took one of the other dudes, and smashed his face on the fire hydrant. One of them got up and said "Dude I am gonna fuck up your ride " and got out a bottle of brake fluid and was going to dump it on the car. I jumped and flew over the cab, and flying drop kicked his ass into the next trailer. I mean literally. he went through the wall, into the living room. The people there were watching TV of course, and they were like "What the fuck" but I was like "Dude, just saving the world, that's all" Ungrateful fucks.
Then one of the other hodgees, was like "Dude, I am gonna let off this bomb right here" and I fucking drop kicked his ass too, then I pulled him and the other dudes, and piled them on top of the bomb. Then I grabbed the fuckin detonater thing, and blew it up, and blew their asses into thin air. It was crazy. The people in the park rallied around, and picked me up, and carried me back to my trailer, and they handed me a beer, and my weed. And said, dude, you are a big, BAD motherfucker. Thank you.
The president hasn't called, and you didnt see that shit in the news, probably because the government doesn't want to scare everyone. But fuck, dude, we would have been fucked without a laundromat. We would have to drive our shit into town, and do our laundry there, and I aint got no insurance on the Datsun, I know the pigs would fuck with me. They always do.
Till next time,
Mike Mulletino is a former Columnist for Major-losers.com. He lives in Sacramento, California, in the Walnut Grove Trailer Park, #4. He can be reached by e-mail. He cannot be reached by phone, that shit's been disconnected. As far as we know, he really didnt kill any arab americans, as far as we know, he probably really never saw any.