How Telezombies Eat

As the frontal lobe disintegrates into subatomic particles which shoot back into space, antennae in Rosie’s jowls and back hair channel this radiation from the microwaved brains of millions back into her digestive tract.

Seen here without make-up or special effects in her true zombie form, Rosie reads alongside what is left of her victim.

As the world’s most powerful and semi-articulate zombie, scientists claim she can even eat the brains of her viewers via microwave broadcast signals- better known as television. Rosie, a subgenus of the zombie family known as Telezombie, or Telezombius Fatassium, is the female equivalent of radio host Rush Limbaugh . The subgenus grows to about twice the size of the typical zombie, prefers a diet of weak or undeveloped brains, and is known for an innate distaste of the opposite sex that borders on gendercidal hostility. Thus, the reproductive aspect of this particular zombie remains a total mystery, though some speculate hermaphrodism , i.e., the presence of two working sex organs, may play a role.

Apparently, Rosie targets the frontal lobe; an area critical to personality, judgment and impulse control. As the frontal lobe disintegrates into subatomic particles which shoot into the ionosphere, powerful antennae in Rosie’s jowls and back hair channel this radiation from the microwaved brains of millions back into her digestive tract, beginning anew her unspeakable, endless cycle of horror.

Rosie O’Donnell Eating Another Gal: It’s Never a Pretty Picture

I do not fear Rosie’s hysterical squeals of homophobia as I write this. Let me be frank here: the thought of two women kissing or engaged in wild monkey sex is not something I take lightly at all. It has, from time to time, raised such indignation and righteous fury I’ve paid good money to see it. And see it again, and again, and then rent videos of the damnable activity.

And when I write fan mail to Linda Lichlaybia, Candy Lingus and Stacie Strapon, I make sure to make my displeasure known, and duly offer them spanking upon spanking to assuage their troubled conscience.

There’s nothing here to fear, to be honest. That is, unless you’re enjoying one of these lesbian videos, and suddenly Rosie makes a cameo. In nightmares fierce enough to make a grown man wet his bed, one imagines a huge strap-on dildo dangling from her zombie waist, your screams drowned out by the opining, banshee yapper of the walking dead. She ruins it for everybody, particularly the hot lesbians in the video. They, too, may be Rosieodonnelphobes.

CANDY LINGUS: No Rosie, NO! Please don’t eat me!

ROSIE: Argh! Homophobe!

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