“Get a load of my friend here. He showed his dream girl scans of his brain damage to try and impress her!” The waiter burst into laughter. “She call you back?” the waiter added. “She show you her mammogram?” asked David. […]
More Talking Points to Sound Like a Complete Fucking Idiot, Courtesy The View’s Respected Political Scientists
Joy Behar, an internationally respected political scientist and intellectual powerhouse, made another compelling observation sure to heal a divided nation. The “Daytime Noam Chomsky” and “Plato of Punditry” whose wisdom is heeded by leaders far and wide, whose searing and trenchant insight is studied word for word with every episode in universities from MIT to Oxford, also noted that her vagina doesn’t appreciate gender appropriation and neither should yours.
“My vagina is whatever I say I want it to be,” she said with solemn and thoughtful certainty. “I call it a fire truck because my vagina is a fire truck. It’s time people start respecting real science.” […]
Michelle Smegma, 46, of Encino, CA announced this morning that she will vote for Hillary Clinton because Cyndi Lauper "said Donald Trump is Hitler." Though Adolf Hitler has been dead since 1945 and there is no evidence that Trump has dedicated his life to hunting down Jews, building death camps and waging genocidal wars of conquest, Smegma is still convinced they are one and the same person. Her husband, Sam Smegma, 50, notes "Michelle thinks Lauper was being literal, so she believes that hysterical pop star metaphors displaying an unflattering lack of perspective and literacy warrant an overruling of her own reservations about Clinton. She is, after all, an idiot, bless her simple heart." […]
Oh Maureen, Maureen! I thought I knew you! Gone now, are your glory days when you were the answer to my most pressing exigencies; when on a wall by my bed, affixed to a glass box containing a towel, hand lotion and your cherished daguerreotype nudie, you were the answer to every midnight crisis, and every 3:00 a.m. call. Gone now, are the days when every time I pass by a fire hose encasement I stop in my tracks and remember our secret covenant: “In Case of Emergency Break Glass”. I would remember your coy little monochrome grin, your inviting, ample bosom, your freakishly enormous pudenda, beckoning me behind a similarly marked glass. How many times did I shatter that glass with a mighty swing of my love sausage? I can’t count that high. […]
Diorama exhibits at the Los Angeles Museum of Natural History and Anthropological Studies will include a new sociology exhibit of obsolete or regressive political movements. One exhibit titled “Predicate Thinking in Political Parties: Neurosis as a Political Identity”; examines the total lack of reason in political decision making which results from “loyal” allegiance to a political party. Seen here in the “Hairy Pit Feminist” diorama aside Madonna is Maureen Dowd, New York Times columnist and author of “Are Men Really Necessary?” […]