5 Inspiring Religions That Worship Penises CRACKED Staff April 04, 2008
- Incompetence and corruption. Horrible journalistic skills and ethics.
- Panic attacks at the sight of Russian salad dressing.
- Projection of racism and intolerance on perceived dissent.
- Xenophobic hatred against all things Slavic, particularly Russian.
- A slavish submission to a mysterious, cackling entity called The Cankled One.
- Herpes Simplex H. Psychosomatic symptoms include rashes and herpes-like blisters around mouth proportionate to speaking out of one’s ass.
- Hidden hand is actually male and appeals to vanity. Men don’t surrender power easily. Despite female figurehead, and due to shitty journalistic instincts, subject will have an inability to see the cult is actually run by men, by social engineers, who don’t like women but mistakenly believe women are a fully predictable voting bloc that could be mobilized purely through gender identity politics simply because it worked in Europe.
- Identity defined by genitals, such as a “pussy hat.” Designed or advocated by such men, it is geared towards limiting the infinite potential of every woman into an objectified victim mentality that predatory celebrities and politicians can use to manipulate and control them. In highly effective cults, you will see some men identify with the vagina because the male gender has been so denigrated.
- Sex cult masquerading as a political movement. The prevailing belief here is that the essence, gentle humanity, and strength of a woman is not in her heart and mind, but in her genitals, much like the primitive phallic worship of ancient cults and pagan religions that worshiped the penis.
If you, as a journo, recognize seven or more of these red flags within you, go fuck yourself. Or read on, you may yet be redeemed…
Cult Marketing at Vagisil
In the video below, Vagisil has a Vagina Challenge to yell “vagina,” record it, and say why the word matters to you. Why? Not only does this break the stigma of publicly screaming vagina like an idiot for no reason at all, it also helps to “raise awareness” for women’s health issues.
None of that is really true, however, this is simply about cult marketing and getting suckers to embarrass themselves on videos that Vagisil’s marketers know would go viral (and they did, only to be ridiculed). Already, the noble essence and gentle life-force that is woman has been reduced from a poet’s eternal muse to a base idol worship construct represented by a vagina. Why even bother about the rest of the woman, right? That’s all they are, no? “Breeders”?
Please understand that this is a serious condition and that the afflicted journo may be exhibiting serious cult behavior, according to Dr. Winston Peabody of the New York Metropolitan Hospital.
“The signs are consistent with RCCS, with that of being a full-blown ignorant, hysterical motherfucker.
“As with many cults in the terminal stages, severe loss of personal identity and will to a spiritual leader is manifested by uniformity of attire and thought, by wearing garish and outlandish clothing or participating in self-mutilation to celebrate that loss of individuality they try to sell as a sort of transcendence.
“The Hari Krishna, The Manson Family, Heaven’s Gate all exhibited such signs. The Manson family girls shaved their heads, carved swastikas into their foreheads, Heavens Gate folks castrated themselves, wore black, and wore matching Nikes. The Hari Krishna made airports a living hell, dressed weird, and shaved their heads, but were more or less innocuous in comparison.
“Many RCCS afflicted media subjects will wear vagina-themed hats to demonstrate an inability, or unwillingness, to think of themselves as something more than mere genitals and be manipulated therefrom. In this cult, the underlying belief system cynically objectifies women by focusing not on their status as the mothers of all men and women, as wise, intuitive leaders like Native Americans saw them, but merely as political tools to be celebrated and feared because their junk is different than that of men. Males are the so-called evil patriarchs in this narrative, but ironically, they are also the hidden hand of this pseudo-liberation movement, as they are in the opposition.”
Specialists recommend at least an hour of meditation or rest, plenty of hydration, to be followed by another hour of “awakening technique immersion,” done by any qualified professional, or a pimp.
Duly and properly administered, the patient should forcefully be shown the back of the hand until a modicum of sense is approached.