“Putin dropped me repeatedly at birth,” Hacked DNC Emails with “Axe”

By |January 2nd, 2017

Political herpes Hillary Clinton, a crippling national embarrassment that just won't go away, flared up again today as she finally came to terms with her intellectual deficits and leadership disasters by acknowledging they did exist and were a problem, but that Russian leader Vladimir Putin was responsible for her affliction.She chimed in again today to attack Russia with unsubstantiated hacker claims, adding that if she sounds a trifle less astute in the geopolitical arena than John Kerry, Russian FM Sergei Lagrov, or most mammals in general, it is because Putin used a time machine to travel back to 1869 and drop her repeatedly at birth."This nefarious Russian conspiracy was designed to undermine my presidential campaign, and Putin has been caught red-handed as we know for a fact he owns a DeLorean like the one in Back to the Future."

Pulitzer Prize Began With Fake News, Which Gave Us WWI

By |January 1st, 2017

How ironic that one of the most coveted prizes in literature and journalism comes from the guy that started fake news, indeed, news so fake and dangerous it got us into war with Spain and World War I, Joseph Pulitzer. Back then, however, they called it yellow journalism. It used to be journalism majors were taught this was something you were never supposed to do.

Bernie Lost His Street Cred

By |December 30th, 2016

The only people that actually believe the Russians hacked our election are the same geniuses that spray their laptops with Lysol so they won't get a virus. And here they are, in high office, taking the word of a butt hurt sore loser that unleashed a string of lies blaming her election loss on the Bernie Bros, racists, xenophobes, Alex Jones, James Comey, Obama, a biased pro-Trump media, Facebook, fake news, and now Putin. If you're over 10 and cannot see the pattern of unending falsehood consistent with a pathological liar who not only insults your intelligence but flings it down and stomps upon it, please limit your grandiloquent opining to the kiddie table, this is grown-up talk.

BREAKING: Beached Blue Whale Identified as Lena Dunham

By |December 26th, 2016

After reports of a beached blue whale surfaced earlier this morning, local wildlife officials were relieved to find that it was only “that drunk fat bitch Lena Dunham, who apparently, beached herself when attempting to obtain ‘an abortion for shits and giggles.'”This was to clarify an earlier statement where she said “Now I can say that I still haven’t had an abortion, but I wish I had.”Mermaids don’t give birth like humans, but leave thousands of eggs.At press time, cranes had yet to arrive to push her back into the sea.

The Most Influential Fake News Throughout History

By |December 26th, 2016

Fake news is yellow journalism. Look it up. Now ask yourself: who promulgates yellow journalism, if not the mainstream establishment press?

SJWs Hateth Me!

By |December 24th, 2016

Verily, it dost seem special snowflakes hath been triggered by mine awesome legacy and shadow. Even I tremble, and I am he. Behold this article at the National Review:"U Penn Removes Shakespeare Portrait Because He Does Not Represent ‘Diversity’" And I, The Bard was replaced with a portrait of a black lesbian poet few doth know about, and verily I wandered far and wide to find someone who heard of her. Who is this woman? Thou mayest often find the answer at the local eatery near U Penn. Whenst the middle-aged cashier asketh unto thee "Do you want fries with that?" inquire of the timeless mystery that is Audre Lourde.

Former CIA Spy Has A Christmas Message For Trump

By |December 24th, 2016

The media purveys fake news. Between now and Inauguration Day you should ask Mike Flynn, your National Security Advisor, to sit down with Kellyanne Conway, Brad Parscale (Giles-Parscale), Andrew Garfield (Glevum Associates), and me, to discuss the repurposing of the White House floor space and resources now wasted on the fake news press.

Trump To Move 370 Elite Troops From Russia To Protect His Life, Family

By |December 24th, 2016

Important to note about President-elect Trump’s American private security companies, this bulletin continues, is that XMark LLC specializes in the use of special forces troops, ASIT Consulting is one of the United States top experts on the importing of specialized weapons, and Ultra Electronics USSI has the reputation of being a global leader in the futuristic use of electronic and acoustic weapons—and when all combined under RBS Group leadership, presents one of the most formidable private mercenary armies the world has ever known.

Embassy Of California Opens In Moscow—Looks For Arms Deal When Hillary Clinton Is Governor

By |December 24th, 2016

As to why Vekselberg has aligned himself with Hillary Clinton and her effort to become the new leader of the independent nation of California, FSB analysts in this report explain, is due to his “eccentric love and fixation” towards Fort Ross, that is the former Russian establishment on the west coast of North America in what is now Sonoma County, California—and was the hub of the southernmost Russian settlements in North America from 1812 to 1842.

Turkish Assassin Of Russian Ambassador Tracked To American CIA Base In Iraq

By |December 24th, 2016

SVR investigators in this report further note that the Fethullah Gülen School in Erbil visited by this assassin on 15 July was ordered closed and sold by Iraq Kurdistan authorities after they were provided evidence by Turkish MİT security operatives proving this schools link to the failed CIA-led coup against Turkey’s legitimately elected government.