After carefully revisiting the Old Testament, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu declared The Old Testament is anti-Semitic and should be excised from the bible.
"It should be clear that God Himself is anti-Semitic and his persecution of the Jews is well-documented throughout the bible. I'll just give you one example among many: Consider Hosea 4:1-10:
1 Listen to the word of the LORD, O sons of Israel, For the LORD has a case against the inhabitants of the land, Because there is no faithfulness or kindness Or knowledge of God in the land. 2 There is swearing, deception, murder, stealing and adultery. They employ violence, so that bloodshed follows bloodshed.…
"It accuses us of consulting wooden idols and diviners; of genocide, of incest, of harlotry and all sorts of really mean and anti-Semitic things with no basis in fact. That's hate speech! He has cursed us into many generations and brought plagues upon us. Genocide! We, the Chosen People, are naturally excused from any consequences to our actions, no matter how heinous, so it is clear that any negative portrayal of our leaders is rooted in the writings of self-hating Jews and the fact that God is anti-Semitic.
"So I now call upon everyone to help us in the fight against anti-Semitism by removing all defaming and negative portrayals of our people that you can find in the bible. If that means excising the Old Testament, so be it. God has been getting a free pass on disrespecting the Jews and this must end once and for all."
Asked for a comment, a spokesman for Almighty God answered "Netanyahu is always playing the anti-Semitic card. He's been picketing the synagogues and Wailing Wall and don't think God hasn't noticed. There's nothing as annoying as this imbecile marching around with a misspelled picket sign but he always has plenty to spare. 'GOD AN ANT SEMITE,' 'GOD IS A JEW HATTER," and 'GOD IS A RACES' [sic]are personal favorites."
Netanyahu, or Bibi, arrives at John Boehner's home with his laundry. Along with daintily sorting through Bibi's blood-stained whites and colors, Boehner plans to massage his feet and ask Bibi for approval on some GOP talking points.
"It used to be that an anti-Semite was a neo-Nazi, someone actually defined by his hatred of Jews, but it is a meaningless epithet now applied to Jews and Gentiles alike if they question Israeli political leaders. Anyone can be an anti-Semite, even God, because of manifest differences between scripture and a delusional Mammonite, as you will see via the commandments and punishments of God and the state policy of a half-wit Israeli politician like Bibi."
At press time, Satan's spokesman Adolf Hitler noted "Satan, the Prince of Darkness, wishes to express his eternal gratitude to a consistent and loyal servant. As do I. The Israeli Prime Minister and his idiotic minions in the western press have really made my work easier. By equating a friend favoring Palestinian statehood with a Jew-killing neo-Nazi that burns down synagogues, you have no credibility. You have lost allies and potential allies. I am almost ashamed to say it, but even I, Adolf Hitler, diddle my anal clitoris whenever Bibi opens his big fucking mouth. He seems set on ensuring a lasting enmity for Jewry in the ages to come, so he shall be rewarded soon: I know he loves my mustache, so I plan to thank him with a Dirty Sanchez when he skinny dips with me in the Lake of Fire."