Shaving with a chainsaw was also suggested by our focus group, provided it was done in the dark, on a trampoline.

In an unusual press release from a group dedicated to preventing suicide, the National Coalition of Suicide Prevention Counselors called on CNN anchor Don Lemon to kill himself after he tried to downplay the abduction and torture of an 18 year old mentally ill white man in Chicago by saying he didn’t think the perpetrators were evil, the tacit implication being that he said this simply because the victim was white and he didn’t want to convey a narrative, or reality, that CNN’s race baiting blacks to attack cops and white people could have devastating, and predictable, repercussions.

“We collected, for Mr. Lemon’s convenience, a few hundred of the most effective, proven, and creative ways for this insidious cock goblin to leave this world,” said Martha Snead, president of the organization, holding up a 500 page binder. “Mr. Lemon, you’ve devoted your life to pitting brother against brother, race against race, calling good evil, and evil good. You sow enmity and suspicion where peace and harmony once reigned among neighbors in America. You are the full embodiment of the worst in corporate media propaganda. Please, Mr. Lemon, redeem yourself, and humanity, by heeding our heartfelt advice. This is certainly not the way we were brought up, saying this to you, but we don’t think we are evil in saying it. We strongly suggest, say, eating a nice,  caramelized bucket of broken glass, washed down with a refreshing, chilled glass of Prestone anti-freeze. We recommend cliff diving in Acapulco, with a practice run from a hotel roof. Shaving with a chainsaw was also suggested by our focus group, provided it was done in the dark, on a trampoline.


“An ear piercing with a jackhammer was another favored suggestion, and my personal one, as well. A nice, relaxing day in a hot tub full of piranhas would also be something to seriously consider. Hell, if he can find a unicorn, he could head-butt the animal with a running start, and expand his mind a little bit.

“If at all humanly possible we would also like to see Mr. Lemon immediately revived so he could experience every possible scenario.”

“Mr. Lemon, you are a vile piece of shit. Your suicide would be greatly appreciated by those of us who love and treasure human life, except in your case. It would be a good start. But if you take Brian “Curly” Stelter or CNN boss Jeff Zucker in a murder-suicide, that would make you a national hero and we’ll take that too, and risk hell itself.”

Brian’s prophetic college dean: “Fat, bald and stupid is no way to go through life, young man.”

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