By Mike Mulletino FORMER MAJOR-LOSERS.COM COLUMNIST
"You've got to be fuckin kidding me"
Thats what I said when Cheryl, my bitch, told me she could be prego. This is fucking nuts, I thought, I dont even have a goddamn job. My fucking P.O. Would probably have a goddamn heart attack if he heard this latest shit. I can't believe it. Me and Cheryl, we been together since high school, and I love her and everything, but fuck, we cant have another kid.
This last kid we had, I know its mine. I mean fuck, the kid looks just like me. Darren is a cool cat, but his fucking diapers stink. When Cheryl starts her shit, I tell her, straight up "Shut the fuck up" or I'll kick her ass to the fuckin curb. I dont know why she dont think I am not gonna kick her fuckin head in for fuckin around. I will. So she, being my bitch, changes the diapers. She always gives me shit, ya know, she thinks she's all fucking hot cause she got a job. The bitch obviously ain't picked up a wall street journal cause our economy is fucked right now. Between the damn ot-coms goin down, and them fucks runnin planes into buildings and shit, we are living in hard times. Fuckin target will always need her ass, so she's just fine. Me, I am Fucked. But I will enjoy itit while it lasts.
You guys want to know a little secret? I aint even looking for no fucken job. Fuck that. I aint the workin type. Get all gussied up in a fuckin suit, and carry my fucken briefcase to work every morning? FUCK THAT. That aint happening. So, with the unemployment rate at an all time high, and stocks crashin and shit, I got a goddamn good excuse not to go out and look. Why waste my time when nobody's hirin? Fuck, they always do background checks, I get fucked on that, or they want a piss test. We know that ain't happenin. My buddy says he can get me a job down at the gas station, but I dont know if I am ready to enter the workin world yet. I got work to do on the Camaro. I cant give up on that shit.
Anyways, so Cheryl says she might be knocked up. I told her, it aint mine. She was like "we fuck me all the time" and "we dont use no birth control!" and stupid shit like that. We all know I don't do condoms. Fuck that shit. But, shit, I tell her, "not all these kids is mine!" you know she got a history, out of our four kids, we got two whites, a jew, a curly haired one, and a puerto rican or some shit. I love em, and all, but i have a feelin this next one may be a coon or somethin', I cant fuck around.
I dont know what we gonna do. Sit and try and figure it out, I guess, Our case worker is already a fucking bitch, and that fuckin Bush is gonna get all crazy with the welfare reform. I dont know. Its fucked. Maybe I should take off. that's what I usually do. I mean, usually the bitches are young, you know, and the young ones like 16 or 17, always get that shit taken care of. They dont want their parents findin out and shit, but hell, once they hit 18 they are like "I AM KEEPING IT" and shit. Fuck that. From here on out, when I cheat on Cheryl, they best be 14-17, thats it. I aint down with no more kids. I'll let ya know what happens.
Till next time,
Mike Mulletino is a former Columnist for Major-losers.com. He now lives in Forest Grove, Oregon, in the Rose Grove Trailer Park. He can be reached by e-mail. He cannot be reached by phone, that shit's been disconnected.