A new MIT project hoping to produce an animal to human communication device has succeeded in creating a new language framework common to humans and whales. The first messages regarding the tragic whale beachings around the world were stunning. “The mass suicides evident in the beachings, ” said one, “are mostly due to constantly being compared to Amy Schumer. Mental health care in the whale community is very poor, and such trauma can become emotionally lethal.”

“Stop calling us Amy Schumer!”

“You humans can be total dicks. Yeah, we get it, we taste good to some, got that ambergris thing going on, and we expect to be mindlessly killed for it from time to time. But that verbal abuse is constant. We surf the web and all we see is ‘Amy Schumer is a whale’ which clearly implies we are mean-spirited, unfunny, and politically naive as that woman. We have enough problems  with our self-image and weight problems, you fat shaming motherfuckers.”

A suicide hot line designed especially for troubled whales has now been established. Please know you’re not alone and call 1 800 AMY GONE.

A handout photo made available by the New Zealand Department of Conservation (DOC) shows stranded pilot whales washed up on the beach at Farewell Spit, New Zealand, 10 February 2017. According to a report by the DOC, around 416 pilot whales have been washed up on the beach at Farewell Spit, around 300 of which have died. All were bullied with taunts comparing them to Amy Schumer.

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