Mad Cow Inspections

Here, Dr. Heywood Jablowme discusses patient’s early calfhood trauma and
cattle prod phobia.

As a second case of Mad Cow was confirmed this week, the
United States Department of Agriculture announced a new psychiatric
inspection program to root out Mad Cow Disease, as well as offering
treatment options for afflicted bovines such as weekly therapy sessions
and in-patient mental health facilities.

As a preventative measure, the USDA’s field
psychologists will certify all imported cows after they are questioned
intensively on matters such as their relationship with parents, hearing
voices (particularly those telling them to kill), and any prolonged
periods of melancholy or suicidal ideations.

“In clinical trials, Bessy’s bad temperament and fear of
cattle prods was finally conquered through weeks of hypnosis and anger
management therapy,” noted Dr. Heywood Jablowme.

“With our help, she soon returned to a healthy,
emotionally balanced life in the slaughterhouse, awaiting her eventual
doom as a plate of burgers and fries. I might add, she was delicious.”

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