In Brief: Pocahontas Rises from Dead to Sue Trump for Liz Warren Comparison

In a stunning development today, Native American legend Pocahontas rose from the dead in zombie form to file a lawsuit against President Donald Trump for defamation of character.

“He has consistently compared Sen. Elizabeth Warren to me and I find that very hurtful and cruel. ‘Warren Face’ or ‘Ages With Warren’ is now a common taunt I must face among the dimmer circles. Mean little boys don cheap granny glasses and poke their fingers in the air to taunt the skinny girls, saying things like ‘I’m Warren Face Sacajawea’ or something.  I’m not even blonde, none of us are! No one likes to be compared to that yammering spinster and fraud.”

Even President Trump has acknowledged such comparisons are unflattering to Pocahontas, but it may be too late. According to Sean Spicer, Trump glanced at the television set and chanced upon seeing Pocahontas weeping at her press conference, and the President, seeing what his careless words had wrought, “looked very sad, very troubled.”

“If someone called my little Ivanka a Warren Face, I think I’d sue myself too. Not nice!” Trump said. “I think I understand now, definitely… why anyone would be offended when compared to Liz Warren. I mean, yikes, I just puked in my mouth a little.”

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Methinks I am a conspiracy theorist. Art thou? Thou block, thou stone, thou worse than senseless thing, for whilst thou slept didst this become a badge of honor. Informed dissent shall always prevail, wherefore art thou worthy, or art thou this unwholesome fool in the group conformity experiment herein?

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