IN BRIEF: Chelsea Handler Introduces Tube Sock Line Modeled After Her Breasts

CNN Chief Jeff Zucker was never easy on the eyes, but now a rash of penis suicides has hit the nation as male genitals are bullied online with taunts of “Jeff Zucker head”, “Butt Fucker Zucker,” “Zuck face”, “CNN is Fake News!”, “CNN is ISIS!” and “Mother Zucker” that in best case scenarios, only resolves with years of therapy; but in worst cases, ends in suicide and tragedy. The report, “Penile Suicide and Jeff Zucker’s Ugly Bitch Ass Face: A Twin Tragedy” was conducted by the University of Jeff Zucker Can Go Fuck Himself, and just published today. […]

“No breakthroughs” were made during talks held yesterday between President Putin and US Secretary of State Mike Pompeo. Alarming circumstance were brought about after Pompeo essentially warned Putin that President Trump doesn’t know what his own US Navyis doing as it steams its way towards a catastrophic and needless confrontation with Iran—the truth of which was stunningly displayed when an obviously stunned Trump admitted he didn’t even know about his military’s plan to rush 120,000 troops to the Middle East—that was followed by a rare on-the-record press briefing given by British Army Major-General Chris Ghika from the Baghdad-Iraq headquarters of Operation Inherent Resolve (OIR) where he stated “I’m not going to go into the detail of it, but there are a substantial number of militia groups in Iraq and Syria and we don’t see any increased threat from many of them at this stage”—but whose statement of no Iranian threat being seen, saw him near immediately being rebuked by US Navy career officer Marine General Kenneth F. McKenzie Jr. (US Marines are land force of US Navy) who is the commander of US Central Command (CENTCOM) responsible for the Middle East Region—and after rebuking British General Chika, then saw General McKenzie Jr. placing all of his CENTCOM forces on high alert and his ordering all non-emergency American personnel to immediately leave Iraq—thus showing Putin’swise move to fly to his meeting with Pompeo while being escorted by half of Russia’s Su-57 stealth fighter fleet of warplanes, as no one knows when World War III is set to begin. […]

President Putin’s just issued warning that the “very powerful and dynamically evolving transformation” of our world that is leading to “a very dramatic situation in the history of our country” is directly referencing President Trump soon establishing a military government to rule over the United States while it’s under a state of martial law—a process begun by a mysterious and secretive US military intelligence organization called “QAnon” –whose leader of top Trump advisor, and former White House communication director, Anthony Scaramucci alluded to this past week by his stunningly stating to loyal Trump supporters “when you find out who he is, you’re not going to believe it”—but whom Russian intelligence analysts have previously identified as being the head of the entire US Army, General Mark Milley—with his now being tapped by Trump to take over the entire US military, and whose orders given to all of his US Army forces this past summer states that “the duty of soldiers and officers is to the US Constitution, not any political party or figure.” […]