Hoe Ho Ho

Here, Athenian critics weep as Yangil Kim announces Santa Clause is dead.

    Ho Ho Ho

               EXT. DARK STREET CORNER- NIGHT

               A chill winter wind blows through a dark corner dimly
               illuminated by the full moon and a single streetlight. Refuse
               chokes the only sewer grate present and a stripped car,
               heavily laden with graffiti, resides there. An occasional dog
               barks in the distance and the lone figure of a young woman,
               TINA, standing beneath the streetlight, shifts her weight
               from side to side, revealing clothing not fit for an outdoor
               stroll. A long green over coat, unfastened and too big for
               the girl, poorly conceals the red stockings clasped to her
               equally red panties, matching the red of her bra and open
               toed shoes. Her curly brown hair wildly frames her overly
               made up face, which although young, about mid-twenties, seems
               to hold more weathered stress than her cosmetics can conceal.
               She looks up suddenly as footsteps approach from her right,
               and she forces a smile at the oncoming individual.

                                   TINA
                         Hey there stranger, I haven't seen
                         you around here before.

                                   STRANGER
                         You have my dear, you just don't
                         remember; but that's beside the
                         point, I've seen you.

               The stranger steps into the illumination of the streetlight,
               revealing an over weight man of about fifty with pure white
               hair flowing into a rather large white mustache and beard. He
               is wearing small round glasses perched on his round and
               blushed cheeks.  A bright red and green bowling shirt with
               the name "Kris" stitched in gold thread over the left breast
               tops a pair of baggy red sweatpants and black shoes.

                                   TINA
                         So what brings you all the way out
                         here handsome, looking for a party?

                                   STRANGER
                         I suppose that I am.
                             (shrugs and laughs
                              mirthfully)

               TINA stares at him briefly, surprised by his laughter

                                   TINA
                         What's so fu� never mind.

               She pulls back the sides of her coat to expose her half naked
               body, putting one foot in front of the other and tilting her
               head a bit, then produces a cigarette and lighter from
               somewhere in the coat and lights it.

                                   TINA (CONT'D)
                         What kinda party?

                                   KRIS
                         Oh, just a small gathering: Myself
                         and a close friend, maybe a new
                         friend as well.
                             (He slowly examines her
                              from bottom to top) )
                         If a new friend presents itself.

               Fidgeting with the lighter in one hand, she again starts
               shifting her weight from side to side, turning her head to
               the left and right and looking as if she might run with the
               slightest provocation.

                                   TINA
                         You and a close friend huh? If he
                         is at all as good-looking as you, I
                         find it hard to believe that he
                         isn't married.

                                   KRIS
                         He isn't married; he doesn't get
                         out too much. Neither do I, I'm
                         afraid.
                             (chuckles again and grasps
                              his belly as he does so,
                              smiling beatifically)

                                   TINA
                         You aren't married? As in shape as
                         you are?

               KRIS laughs uproariously at this as the girl cringes and
               looks around in a panic

                                   TINA
                         Shhh, you'll wake the neighborhood.

                                   KRIS
                             (wiping his eyes with a
                              finger, he lowers his
                              laughing to a chuckle)
                         I've eaten far too many cookies in
                         my lifetime to be considered "in
                         shape" Tina, and as for the missus;
                         when the cats away and all that.

                                   TINA
                             (snaps to attention)
                         How did you know my name?

                                   KRIS
                         I knew you as a child Tina, you
                         don't remember?

                                   TINA
                         No I don't, and don't fuck with me
                         man, I will stab you.

                                   KRIS
                         I wouldn't dream of making that
                         necessary Tina, besides, you were
                         always too good a girl for me to
                         believe you'd do that.

                                   TINA
                             (taking a step backwards)
                         Alright big guy, where do you know
                         me from.

                                   KRIS
                         I told you Tina, I've known you
                         since you could fit in a stocking,
                         although I must admit, I haven't
                         seen or heard of you since you were
                         about ten. Now look at you, age has
                         been kind
                             (again looks her up and
                              down)
                         Very kind.

                                   TINA
                         Look, I think you need to get out
                         of here, this is some fucked up
                         shit.

                                   KRIS
                         Now, Now Tina, the language isn't
                         quite necessary is it? You'll end
                         up with coal in your stocking.

                                   TINA
                         What the hell are you talking
                         about?
                             (looks to his nametag)
                         "Kris?" who are you?

                                   KRIS
                         I'm just a tired old man that needs
                         a break from the holiday hubbub my
                         dear, and I was hoping you'd come
                         and chat with me awhile.

                                   TINA
                         You don't want to chat. Look buddy,
                         go home, sleep whatever high you're
                         on off, and reconsider the urge to
                         approach strangers like you know
                         them.
                             (Turns to leave)

                                   KRIS
                         Hey now! Don't be like that, I
                         mean, this is what you "Do" isn't
                         it?

                                   TINA
                         Don't you already know what I do,
                         Miss Cleo?

                                   KRIS
                         Actually no, I must admit I was
                         pleasantly surprised to see you
                         here. You were always such a
                         beautiful child, but like I said,
                         after you turned ten, I stopped
                         seeing you around.

                                   TINA
                             (angry now)
                         Now that is enough! Walk away
                         Mister, and don't come back around
                         here. Last warning, I don't want to
                         see you again.

                                   KRIS
                             (seeming a bit hurt)
                         There's no call to be that way
                         Tina, I had just hoped that we
                         could go back to where my friend
                         and I are staying and catch up on
                         how you've been doing.

                                   TINA
                         What the hell do you want from me?!

                                   KRIS
                         Perhaps an estimate of what an
                         evening of your time would cost?

                                   TINA
                         You're kidding me.

                                   KRIS
                         I don't kid Tina, my friend and I
                         could use a bit of company,
                         although he has rather special
                         needs.

                                   TINA
                             (incredulous)
                         I suppose your friend knows me too.

                                   KRIS
                             (chuckling)
                         I'm sure he does, in his own
                         fashion.

                                   TINA
                         Special needs?

                                   KRIS
                         Well his antlers have to be
                         considered, as well as Rudolph's
                         lack of hands�

                                   TINA
                         That was your last mistake pervert.
                             (Stomps her foot three
                              times in succession)

                                   KRIS
                             (mildly shaken)
                         What was that?

                                   TINA
                         It's called a signal, asshole.

                                   OFFICER (0.S.)
                             (in an authoritative tone)
                         Freeze! Put your hands where I can
                         see them!

                                   KRIS
                         Wha?
                             (he whirls quickly and is
                              tackled by two uniformed
                              police officers)
                         You can't do this! Do you know who
                         I am?!

               KRIS is lifted to his feet and held by one of the officers,
               now handcuffed and a bit out of breath from struggling.

                                   OFFICER
                         Settle down pal, you can tell us
                         all about it at the precinct.

                                   KRIS
                         Robert let go of me.
                             (weakly attempts to pull
                              away from the Officer
                              holding him)
                         Steven, this will put you on the
                         naughty list for sure.

               STEVEN notices Robert's confused expression and gestures to
               his own name tag. ROBERT smacks himself in the head and grins
               a bit)

                                   STEVEN
                         Take him to the car Bob.

                                   ROBERT
                         Yes sir.

                                   KRIS
                         God damn it Tina you Ho.

                                   TINA
                         What you say can and will be used
                         against you, Freak.
                             (faces Steven)

                                   KRIS
                         Don't turn your back on me Ho! What
                         are you, a Grinch!?

                                   TINA
                             (somewhat under her
                              breath)
                         I� no.
                             (shudders a bit)

                                   KRIS
                             (screaming from offscreen)
                         HOOOOOO!

                                   STEVEN
                         Full moons really bring 'em out
                         huh?
                             (Looks to Tina, smiling)
                         You do good work Tina, what were
                         you just saying?

                                   TINA
                         Nothing.. how did he know our
                         names?

                                   STEVEN
                         He read our nametags Tina.
                             (concern creeps into his
                              voice)
                         Are you alright? You should go home
                         and rest.

                                   TINA
                             (looking to where Kris had
                              exited)
                         I do have gifts to wrap.

                                   STEVEN
                         Take off then Tina; you go on
                         vacation tomorrow anyway.
                             (reaches into his pockets
                              and withdraws a badge and
                              a necklace)
                         Here you go.

                                   TINA
                         Thank you for holding these, I'm
                         going to go home and get some rest.

                                   STEVEN
                         I hope you have a merry christm�
                         oh; I'm sorry, Happy Hanukah.

                                   TINA
                         It's alright Steve; I used to
                         celebrate Christmas as a kid, until
                         my family converted.

                                   STEVEN
                         Well, Have fun Tina; I have to go
                         catch up with Bob and nut bag.
                             (turns and begins walking
                              away)

                                   TINA
                         Goodnight Bob, and thanks. I hope
                         your Holiday goes as planned too.

               Sighing heavily she pockets the badge and dons the necklace,
               now revealed to be a Star of David.

                                   TINA (CONT'D)
                         Full moons sure bring out the
                         crazies.

               TINA shudders and walks away. The noise of a car pulling away
               lasts for a second or two, then all is silent.

 


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