I was so happy in that false narrative. I was measuring drapes for the White House, I got Madam President tattooed on my neck.

An embittered Hillary Clinton emerged today with a morose Rachel Maddow at her side to blast the “fake news” that got her hopes up by proclaiming her certain win when she was about to get shellacked.

“‘HE WOULD STILL LOSE’? I trusted you Rachel! You said I would win! All you’re paid to do is make an accurate or semi-accurate prediction for election night to make your network look credible.  You don’t know jack shit about politics, you smug fucking pedant, you got everything wrong and you made everyone who quoted you look like morons, myself included. But all you ever do is parrot the talking points of other pundits dumb as you and masturbate to group think. You could have just asked a bookie!”


After glaring at the monitor watching this video of Maddow, self-infatuated with her intellect and gloating about the impossibility of a Trump win, she abruptly borrowed a nearby Secret Service agent’s gun and shot the androgynous pundit in the head, then pushed her from the podium as the audience went wild with applause (everyone except for the sullen press pool).

“I predict you will die, simpleton.” Hillary added, kicking Maddow’s body until her shoe flew off. “Your state is leaning dead.”

She then glared at the audience and said “Never trust a man with a girl’s name.”

Dumb ass Huffington Post pollsters got it wrong, too: fake news so inadvertently bad it seemed to mock Hillary, just one day before election.

“Why did you play me like that? Why did you so cruelly make my win appear so certain, only to have it taken from my grasp? You in the media with your fake news of sunny days ahead destroyed me emotionally and politically. See that?” she asked, pointing to her lips. “These burns on my lips, that’s on you fuckers, you got me sucking on a tail pipe this morning to improve my outlook. It’s a good thing the vehicle drove away before I could finish.

“You all need to understand the harmful effects of confirmation bias in the face of a clear political threat. Here I was, completely isolated from reality as they all regurgitated news I may have wanted to hear, but none that I or my supporters actually needed to hear. I was so happy in that false narrative. I was measuring drapes for the White House, I got Madam President tattooed on my neck. I got the Presidential Seal on my Rascal scooter.


Newsweek to Hillary morning of November 8: PSYCH!

“But for supporters, the more you saw evidence I could only win, the more your bias for that win betrayed you, as it dismissed contrary evidence right under our noses… like the fact we relied on a model that assumed we would automatically match Obama’s 2012 numbers or do even better, or that Bernie supporters wouldn’t pay us back at the polls by not showing up. This made our polls useless.  The New York Times, The Washington Post, The LA Times, Boston Globe, the networks… all of you who got my hopes up with fake news need to take the blame. Because of you, voters took my win as a certainty and didn’t trouble themselves to vote. You made it look like Trump was a joke candidate that didn’t stand a chance.

“So when I lost, when I was spanked most egregiously by Donald Trump on November 8, when the smacks from that spanking were so loud they shattered windows around the world, everyone was shocked. The media betrayed me with hubris. That was the most malicious fake news, psychologically speaking. That said, I will now be taking questions.”

Quickly, a hand rose from the audience. “Hey woman! what do you propose we do to stop this fake news epidemic you mentioned earlier? You paid them to lie!”

“Shut the fuck up, Bill.”


Black Trump supporter schools idiot reporter.

More soon…

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