Eschewing their natural instinct to kill a political rival, Trump’s enemies in the establishment GOP and the Democrats gathered together to offer President Trump warm, helpful advice on how to improve his messaging, so he can beat the shit out of them again with even more alacrity in the next cycle. Paul Ryan offered some helpful advice at a press conference to celebrate their kindness and self-less concern.

“We love you Donald! We just want you to do well and make our country prosperous and work with us on health care and the economy! We know this Twitter thing is how you got elected and that it is a direct line to your base, a nervous system of the Trump machine that shatters the false reality constructs of so-called rational thinking spawned from General Semantics, the linguistic human engineering of groomed elites…. You know, the same the Rhodes Scholar media uses to manipulate Americans; how some of you do it through deductive rather than inductive reasoning.”

“What’s the difference?” asked one reporter whom nobody gives a shit about but works for NBC.

Ryan blanked out. “Ah, let me look this up… okay here goes:

‘deductive reasoning proceeds on the assumption of the correctness of certain hypotheses or suppositions with which it sets out: it is not concerned with the truth or falsity of those suppositions, but only with the question as to what results must necessarily follow supposing them to be true. Inductive reasoning; on the other hand, is the process by which we compare a number of separate instances with one another until we see the common factor that gives rise to them all. Induction proceeds by the comparison of facts.’

“Intuitive logic beats both, and Trump is trying to appeal to it. The Twitter thing, we know it works well and few know how to wield this powerful tool. However, we think maybe you should lay off of that, Mr. President, please sever that nervous system keeping your movement alive though it would only ruin the GOP now flourishing from it. You should follow our counsel though some cynics may call it malicious, half-baked advice reeking of ulterior motives. We urge you to use the same messaging and tactics that made us colossal failures in the primaries and elsewhere, because we are better than you, as our failure after failure in mortal combat with you has already proven. Now, Sen. McCain would like to say a few words.”

Sen. John McCain took to the podium, cleared his throat, and said cryptically:

“Mr. President, I urge you to stop tweeting and fim faddle the radiator. The tweeting is simply indecorous and unbecoming of your high office. My chinkle chankle speaks for all Americans.” He then broke into song: “Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran! Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran!

As he sang McCain’s unfastened trousers dropped to his ankles and he shuffled aimlessly around the stage and then into the audience to talk to a non-existent “seagull” that was simply a woman’s white summer hat, which he then tried to feed with the bread crumbs in his jacket. Finally, a concerned Sen. Lindsey Graham led him away.

After a pregnant pause Paul Ryan added, “My momma always said you model yourself after the idiot, or the man who has the least character, or who is the least worthy to govern, because in my case it would always be an improvement. I hope to pass this wisdom on to you President Trump.”

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